It’s Valentine’s Day and love is in the air, infecting us all. The chocolate, the candy, and the flowers are spreading their sweetness around campus. But for those of you who would rather celebrate without buying (literally and figuratively) into the saccharine empire built around the idea of romantic love, I see you and I am here to help. Something that Valentine’s Day seems to make us forget is that love isn’t always sweet. There is a fine line between love and obsession. Here are the best Valentine’s horror movies to get you through this evening.
Nothing makes people more desperate than a traumatizing childhood. Suffering from a lazy eye and rather awkward social habits, May was severely bullied throughout her childhood and was never able to connect with people. So, naturally her only friendship was with a doll encased in glass named Suzie. Suzie was made for May by her mother who thought she was clever by telling her daughter “if you can’t find a friend, make one”. Little did she knows that May would take this quite literally. Now into adulthood, May’s lazy eye has been corrected and she begins making (real people) friends. But May’s odd behaviours prove to be too much for her new friends, and they abandon her one by one. This doesn’t sit well with May, so she vows to “make” friends like her mother taught her…by taking her favourite parts of people and creating the perfect companion. Cheesy? Yes. Predictable? Absolutely. Should we unpack the social commentary a little bit due to the problematic nature of this plot? Yes. But for now, let’s just be entertained.
In another case of misfit revenge, Jeremy is harshly rejected at a Valentine’s Day dance by the three most popular girls in school. Feeling sorry for Jeremy, Dorothy agrees to dance with him and then subsequently has a make out sesh under the bleachers. But of course, the biggest school bully catches them and, out of fear of being judged, Dorothy claims that Jeremy has sexually assaulted her. So, he is beaten and humiliated and ultimately thrown out of school. Thirteen years later, all the people involved in the Valentine’s Day humiliation of Jeremy begin receiving vulgar Valentine’s cards…and dying. Is it Jeremy? Likely. But trust me, there is a plot twist that is both perfect and ridiculous that you need to see.
The Loved Ones (2009)
Rejection stings. If the last two movies didn’t prove that for you, maybe this Australian flick will do the trick. After her crush denies her invitation to prom, Lola kidnaps him and forces him to participate in her very own prom that is held in her basement. While this plot seems rather tired and unoriginal, there is far more going on than we as the audience can even fathom. For example, the act of kidnapping seems to be a family tradition and not just a one time bitter-rejected-teenager thing. Neat.
My Bloody Valentine (1981)
Complete with quintessential Canadian gore, My Bloody Valentine tells the story of a group of young adults who, in the middle of their Valentine’s Day party, find themselves to be the prey of a vengeful murdering miner. Yes, a miner. This film is complete with instances of cannibalism, death via pick axe, some odd mining accidents, and of course a butt hurt miner who swears to go on a killing spree if the infamous Valentine’s Day dance were to ever happen in the town again. Seems logical. But the Valentine’s Day dance is eventually planned once again, which inspires a gruesome murder. Terrified, the older residents cancel the dance. This upsets the younger townspeople who take it upon themselves to throw their own party…at the mines. The Motion Picture Association of America was forced to cut almost 10 minutes worth of footage due to the overly graphic violence that the film originally had. Valentine bonus: this movie was filmed in Sydney Mines, Nova Scotia.
If you’re feeling cynical about this superficially romantic day, find comfort in the fact that you at least aren’t being kidnapped and murdered. Besides, it isn’t all that bad! Tomorrow we can buy discount chocolate.