Swimming Lessons

 

I do not know how to put
the happy back in my head
how to stop the aching
of my bones
how to fill the hole
between my lungs.
I am a ship
capsized by a sea
of loneliness
and as it takes my breath
I feel my motivation
for survival leaving me.
How will I make it shore?
I do not think I want to.

The sun is shining,
the sky clear and blue
but I succumb to the waves
I am too weak to move.
Perhaps apathy
is all that is familiar to me,
for I do not tremble.
I cannot shake in fear
as I fear not drowning.
I am instead inviting Sadness
to stay,
to hold me in a way
I have not learned to hold
myself, stability,
familiarity in self-destruction.
These waves are angry,
relentless
and they ebb and flow
being pulled by my own,
damned
stubborn heart

Why else would I give in so easily?

I have tried countless times
to defeat my worst enemy
I have tried to conquer
this tenacious part of me
and I cannot win, Darling,
precedents show I should sink
instead of swim.

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