Aries: Tell yourself that life is too hard. Now stop. You are better than that. Spend some time watching Netflix – it’s really the best way to chill.
Taurus: While redefining your life, make sure you remember to take a close look in the mirror. Closer… closer… closer… is that a mole on your face?
Gemini: You will experience extreme emotions this week. You’ll be hot and then cold, you’ll be yes and then no. You’ll pretty much be a Katy Perry song.
Cancer: Love is knocking on the door this Valentine’s. Not your door… someone else’s.
Leo: Cancer, meet Leo. It was his door that love was knocking on.
Virgo: You’re definitely not getting some this Valentine’s Day!
Libra: Let your mind do the talking. Clearly year heart doesn’t make the best decisions. Remember what happened yesterday.
Scorpio: Avoid looking at the future, as you might see something staring back. Perhaps an old person with gray hair and wrinkles telling you “this is your future”… so don’t look!
Sagittarius: Love comes in all shapes and sizes, but you should stop eating bread. You’re getting fat.
Capricorn: There is someone looking through your window. You may think that it is a guardian angel, but we all know better. It’s a creep. Stop being so trusting.
Aquarius: Free yourself of all stress, trouble, and drama. Most of all, don’t forget to free your bank account. It’s your parent’s money anyway.
Pisces: I have no words. You’re just too strange.