8 jobs that aren’t being a doctor in case you disappoint your mom and don’t make it into medical school

As the last semester of university approaches for our graduating class of 2019, so does the anxiety about what’s beyond the horizon. For many, disappointment is eminent; however, there is still hope for those who get rejected. Maybe you forgot that Acadia doesn’t actually offer a premed degree and got angry about having to learn about plants and animals and all that lame stuff, but guess what? That stupid education you paid for is more than just a stepping stone to medical school! You can actually apply that knowledge to in fields beyond medicine! If you feel more lost than Nemo about what to do past graduation other than drink and cry a lot, check out these cool career ideas.

1. Pharmacist

This is the go-to for those interested in medicine who are not into the part where you actually have to touch people. Even if you hate the job, you’ve got access to all the antidepressants you could ever need to console yourself from the fact that you feel like you never really met your full potential. Plus, you get the perk of calling yourself a ‘professional drug dealer’ for the rest of your life!

2. Forensics

If the blood, guts and gore is what attracted you to medicine in the first place, you should probably consider never going near a living person ever again. You should also feel free transfer to SMU. 1. Because if that’s your motivation to go into medicine, I want you far away from me, and 2. They have a forensics program, this isn’t even a joke I’m just giving you facts here. So, get on it and check out your local crime scene! (As long as you’re not the one who made it).

3. Aquaculturist

Sometimes the wide variety of niches within science can be overwhelming and finding a career can be like finding a significant other – there are many fish in the sea! But maybe you should just put them all in a huge tank and manage them that way, because frankly the sea is fucking huge, kinda polluted, and I don’t trust bottom-feeders.

4. Botanist

Ok look, if your MCAT score proves you should never be trusted with the life of another person in your hands, maybe we can settle for just keeping plants alive. This is a great job if you’re insufferable to be around too; because unlike all your former friends, plants can’t go anywhere even if they hate you. Basically, if your classmates all gave you 1/10 on your peer evaluations for group projects, plants might be the study organism for you! However, if you kill cacti, maybe read the rest of the list.

5. Brewer

So, we’ve ruled out humans, animals and plants. Maybe you’ll be able to keep some yeast alive? You managed to keep that biofilm in your sink alive for a solid month when you stopped doing the dishes, just do that except maybe less gross this time? Plus, if your parents have been controlling your life decisions up to this point and only wanted you to enter medicine so they could tell all the other moms at yoga about the fact that their kid is a doctor, you can distract them from your failure with fun jokes like “gotta get this bread (making organism to produce ethanol from glucose for the masses to consume in an attempt to drown out the reality that we are all slaves to a capitalistic hellscape where attaining a career with high prestige for the money is deemed as “more successful” than doing what you love even if it’s less glamourous)”.

6. Forestry management

Hear me out: you could be a modern-day lumberjack living in a cabin you built with your own two hands with ethically sourced wood. You take your small pack of dogs for a walk in the forest and feed the woodland birds along the way. Small mammals follow you around like you’re Snow White. You’re definitely high on mushrooms you found on the forest floor, and the government has been trying to track you down for years since you have yet to pay back your student loans. They haven’t found you yet. Life is good.

7. Nurse

One time I told an older man that I was studying biology, which is usually met with “oh so you’re going to be a doctor”! But this time he asked if I was going into nursing. Because clearly my feeble female mind cannot handle the stresses of being a REAL doctor. And now you can feel inferior too! By getting a whole other degree at a different school! Debt is just a number and not a prison! I swear!

8. Clown

Lets just admit it- you’re boo boo the fool who thought their 2.5 GPA would get them into med school, its ok! We all make mistakes, and it looks like you made yet another mistake on a lonely Thursday night. Lucky for you, all you need to do to enter your new career is roll out of your vil hookup’s bed from the night before, take a look in the mirror to make sure that morning-after makeup is on point, and go entertain some children with your unsound life decisions!