Day: October 23, 2016

  • You Probably Won’t Like The Ending, And That’s Okay

    Your eyes are brown and beautiful, it’s been longer than three years since I last saw them. No one ever tells you that brown eyes can be beautiful, everyone fawns over the depth and clarity of blues and greens. Beautiful brown eyes are softer, warmer. I didn’t realize how long I’d been held by them. I don’t remember when our eyes first met. As the flames between us danced, they blocked the line of sight, and I realized I hadn’t been breathing. Outside of my mind the moment ended. I drifted between paying attention to the conversation around me, and attempting to indulge my lust for your gaze. I aimed to lose myself in your eyes again.

    Glances toward you lingered longer and were more frequent. Even now the memory of the erratic shadows cast on your soft skin by the flames is calming. You were far too pretty, in contrast to the scruffy mess I was. You were also too pretty for this place – this campground didn’t deserve you. I caught your eye again, and time seems to stop. I smiled, and you got up from the log and were lost in the darkness surrounding the fire. I stared into the flames, my thoughts still filled by you. I realized I was cold and tired, so I turned to leave.

    You’re there, slight smile, those eyes. I mesh my fingers with those of your outstretched hand. You’re cold as well, and soft. I can’t tell which of us is trembling, fighting not to shiver. You take the lead, and I follow. I’m thankful the moon provides enough light that I can make out how beautiful your form is. I curse the night for teasing me with the details. You’re definitely too pretty. I realize I have no idea where we’re going, who you are, or why you’ve brought me here. I wonder why I’m not concerned when you stop. There should have been silence in the absence of footsteps. I hear breathing. It has an emotional quiver to it, a note of urgency. I realize its not mine. Our eyes meet again. I don’t stare this time. I’ve closed my eyes without really understanding why. I don’t open them.

    I can describe your eyes now, if only to myself. They look they way your lips feel. Warm. Soft. Tempting. Sexy. Wrapped together, we both shiver. Mouths part for breath, our faces still touching. We kiss again. Your tongue presses into the part between my lips. I allow you. I understand the phrase “putty in your hands”, I’ve become it. I wasn’t sure what to expect, or why I expected anything at all. But, grinning despite gasping for breath, I expected something to happen. Your eyes echoed back the new energy, the new feelings, the electric thrill.

  • No Swimming In The Kitchen

    It’s 4 in the morning
    and my head keeps thinking
    about the puddles on the floor
    from when the rain came in.
    I live in a house
    with blood stains under fresh paint
    and a foundation that creaks
    under the weight of the secrets
    it holds
    and they’re trying to escape.
    My skin is untouched
    that much is true
    but I live in a house
    with abuse
    and I watched while it brought tears
    like tsunamis from my mother’s eyes
    and listened to it as the thunder
    that rumbles
    from my father’s throat,
    loud enough to shake my bones
    and awake me from a sleep.
    It slashed open the concrete
    of this house
    and I have seen the walls bleed
    from open wounds
    then it rotted and rusted every corner
    of the air until my lungs
    could not stand a chance
    against the waves that came
    crashing down the door
    all hearts diving in to swim with spite on the floor.
    They tied their grief
    around my ankle
    and watched me drown.
  • Help

    “I woke staring at the ceiling. I just laid there, not moving. I just watched as the shadows danced around the ceiling. They moved so slowly but elegantly. They moved to the drum in my chest and my ears. Their forms morphing to and from, graceful creatures and beautiful monsters of the imagination. I felt my blood being pumped throughout my body. I felt full. I felt alive. Then there was suddenly a hole.”

    “Where was this hole?”

    “It was where your heart is supposed to be, where it is supposed to be to wait for someone to aid it to beat, where it was suppose to work and help me feel something. I felt nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Emptiness seemed to swirl in a vortex consuming everything around it—slowly spreading. I felt as if I were dying. My internal organs were eating themselves inside out. It spread and spread and spread. I just laid. I did nothing. I couldn’t do anything. My limbs seemed to give up. My brain screamed in protest and told me to let the darkness take me whole. It told me it would make things better.

    “It wouldn’t have been so bad. My soul, my soul revolted. It refused to die out. It refused to leave this realm to go to Valhalla. It refused to stop fighting. It still had some fight left. When the darkness touched my soul, chaos erupted. A giant mosh pit of emptiness and emotion collided. I felt the tremors of that giant combustion on my insides. The pain was intense. I cannot take it anymore.”

    He had taken out his heart and had put it out there, in the air, for her to see. He had unlocked himself once more to let her in. He wanted someone to fill the vacancy in his heart. He wanted her to understand. He wanted her to care.

    “You need help,” she said indifferently yet delicately. “ You need to take some Zoloft. It will make things better.”

    She didn’t get the message. She didn’t take the hint. He had shown her his heart and she had paid no attention to it. She looked through like it was invisible. Like there was nothing there already. The pain in his eyes were far beyond repair. She had dropped Fat Man and he was destroyed.

    “Here, I have some in my purse.”

    She pretended to rummage through her purse, but in truth she knew exactly where they were. She drew it out carefully like it was a precious gem sent to earth from heaven. He took it from her shaking hands and opened the little bottle.

    He got up and started walking.

    “Where the fuck are you going?”

    She hurried after him.

    He entered the bathroom.

    “What in God’s name are you going to do in there?”

    He lifted the toilet seat and extended his arm. His arm slowly turned. The pills fell into the water.

    She screamed.

    “What the hell!?! I was only trying to help. You’re going to pay me back for those…” She continued on as she dove to salvage some pills. He didn’t listen.

    He pushed her away and flushed and flushed and flushed.

    Her screaming were reduced to sobs. He bent over and whispered into her ear: “ You need help.”

    He stood up and walked out the door.

  • A Halloween Scare

    Trying to be silent
    And not show any fear
    With darkness as a cover
    For things that are too near
    My footsteps echo slowly
    Down this creaky hallway floor
    My only sweaty focus
    The haunched white figure standing in the
    Door.
    The only way around it
    Is to inch past scaley skin
    Behind me people scream
    And I’m sorry God that I have sinned
    But the screaming turns to laughter
    And I break into the light
    We made it through the haunted house
    Never again do I want this freight
  • Cold Darkness

    Her eyelids feel like iron slabs, but her body and mind won’t rest. The cold air of October leaks into her little room to battle and win against the tiny space heater she manages to shove into the corner among her mess of clothes, drafts of essay papers, and toys her son had strewn there earlier that day. She wraps the blanket tighter against her warmest pair of jeans and thickest hoodie and wonders if she really remembered to turn off the cooktop. As sleep creeps closer to her, she hears from the kitchen the scream of her son piercing through her veins. Throwing the blanket off her body she runs in sock feet to the kitchen to find the cooktop turned off and no one in the room. Her heart pounding, she crosses the trailer to her son’s room, where she finds him sleeping soundly with the blanket pulled tight over his soft blonde hair. A tiny wheeze escapes his lungs with each breath and she makes a mental note to get him to see a doctor this week. She closes his door to a crack and tells herself she was just lucid dreaming again. Climbing into her bed again, she takes a deep breath and before she can expel the entire breath, fast, hard stomps pound in her ears and her eyes tear open to the sight of her son, a smile, and the glint of a knife before it slides across her throat.

  • As The Sun Sets Over The Sea

    As the sun sets over the sea
    And the sky fades to grey
    I fly away
    From turkey and talks
    Of what I am studying,
    Planning, loving, achieving
    I leave with a little less
    Less of a rock in my gut than the last
    A feeling I thought would never pass
    The plane dips and my hopes rise
    The fuzzy feelings of home
    Overwhelming my insides
    Back to salt air
    And fewer faceless stares
    From the town I used to call home
    Maybe it’s not the main street
    I call mine
    But the one that makes my heart feel
    Full at the time
    The lights twinkle like stars out my window
    And on this plane alone
    I am home

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