Category: SHRC

Q: I recently got out of a long-term relationship with a partner from my hometown. We had been together since high school, and nearly all my sexual encounters/experiences were with them. I recently started hooking up with someone new here at school. I am enjoying the sex, but they aren’t able to make me come. What’s wrong with me? What should I do?

A: Thanks so much for the question. First things first, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. It can definitely take some time to get used to having sexual encounters with new partner(s) after being in a relationship with a partner who you shared so many of your early sexual experiences with. At the same time, it can also be a good opportunity for you to spend time [re]discovering your sexual desires, wants, and needs.

It is great to hear that you are having fun and enjoying the sex with this new person. Your question also gives a great opportunity to emphasize that having fun, pleasurable, and enjoyable sex can encompass so many different activities. Orgasm does not need to be the ultimate end goal of sex. That said… it is totally fair to want to have an orgasm when you are having sex with this new partner, especially if you know it’s something that you typically experience when you had sex in the past. In this case, it seems like communicating your wants and needs during sex may be helpful. In fact, communication is essential when it comes to our sexual relationships, especially when it comes to pleasure. However, pleasure is often left out of our education and conversations around sex. Because of this, many of us struggle or feel uncomfortable talking about what we want and need (i.e. our desires) when it comes to sex. Let me emphasize this… you deserve pleasure!

My first suggestion would be to think about what it is you really want during sex. Think about some of your previous experiences—what felt the best? What do you like? What don’t you like? I also suggest you take the time to get to know what you like by yourself—yes, I am talking about masturbation. You could even ask a new partner, if you feel comfortable, if you can show them how you like to masturbate, and ask them to show you the same. It can be a great way to learn about yourself, and your partner! Finally, I know that in practice, it can still be tricky to know exactly how to communicate during sex. If you feel unsure about how to go about asking for what you would like with any future partners, here are a few suggestions of what you can say/do:

· “it would be so hot if you…____”

· “I really want you to __ my ___”

· “Can we try [switching positions, acts, etc.]

· Move their hand to where it feels good

· If it’s good, tell them! Try saying “keep going” or “that feels good”

Q: Someone I hooked up with a few weeks ago just told me that they found out they have Chlamydia. We used a condom during penetrative sex, but not during oral sex. I haven’t noticed any symptoms, so do I really need to get tested for STIs? Also, I have hooked up with a new sexual partner since then. I feel really anxious! What if I have chlamydia too? What if I have to tell my most recent sexual partner that I gave them Chlamydia?

A: Thanks so much for your question! First, I want to emphasize that it is totally normal to feel some anxiety when a partner tells you that they have tested positive for an STI. That said, Chlamydia is a super common STI (sexually transmitted infection), especially amongst young adults ages 20-24. While it is spread primarily through vaginal and anal sex (the infection is carried in semen/cum, pre-cum, and vaginal fluids) it can also be spread through oral sex. So while you were proactive in using a condom during penetrative sex, there is still a chance that your partner may have transmitted the infection to you during oral sex, or during some other genital contact where there was no barrier. Moving forward, you can consider using a dental dam during oral sex to provide a protective barrier (FYI- we have free dental dams at the SHRC).

Even if you aren’t experiencing any symptoms, you should still get tested for STIs because most people with Chlamydia don’t have any symptoms and feel totally fine! While it can definitely feel nerve-wracking, getting tested for STIs is an important way we can take care of our own sexual health, and ensure we have safer and enjoyable sexual encounters. You can easily book an appointment to get tested at our Acadia’s Student Health Services by phoning 902-585-1238 (For more information on what to expect when getting tested for an STI, visit https://www.theasu.ca/shrc-resources). A routine STI test will include a urine test (for folks with penises) or a vaginal swab (for those with vulvas). However, because you indicated oral sex as the most likely place for transmission, you should also ask for a throat swab. This is because some STIs, like Chlamydia, can actually be spread from genitals to the mouth/throat. This is actually more common than you would think! If your test detects chlamydia, the infection can be easily cleared up with antibiotics. The same doctor who helped you with your STI test can follow up to prescribe treatment.

If you do find out that you have Chlamydia, you’re right—you should let your most recent sexual partner know. It’s up to you how you contact this person—maybe a text message is more comfortable for you than an in-person conversation. What matters is that you provide the basic information to this partner so that they too can be aware of the situation and get tested themselves.

Lastly, it is important to remember that you haven’t done anything wrong or shameful by contracting an STI. Unfortunately, there are a lot of societal messages that can dictate how we feel about sex, and sadly these ideas often carry a lot of shame, stigma, and general anxiety. This shame means that there is often judgment attached to infections and diseases that are transmitted through sexual contact. But, you asking this question is an important step in reducing that stigma through creating more open and inclusive narratives about STIs. The more we talk about sex in general—including STIs—with people in our lives, the better! It helps to foster empathy, let folks know that they are not alone, and provides information on how to get the care you need.