WOLFVILLE, NS – Facing the prospect of a strike in the following week, Acadia student Chris Featherbottom, a 3rd year Kinesiology major paying roughly $16 000 a year for university, hopes that the faculty and hiring board reach a speedy agreement. He has expressed significant doubt that he will be able to continue skipping his regularly scheduled classes if the plan to strike goes through.
The soon-to-be 21 year old has cited his rapport with his professors as the crucial basis for his opposition to the strike. “I just don’t know anymore”, Chris inhales a hand rolled clove cigarette,”some of the best friendships in my life have been with my professors. I’d first see them on the day classes started, and again on the day of the final exam. They’d greet me with a ‘Are you even in my class?’ and a ‘proctor please escort this man out of the exam hall, I’ve never seen him in one of my classes before’. Now I wonder if I will even get to experience that before Christmas. That’s not a fear any university student should have to live with.”
At the time this article was written, Acadia has not yet reached a labour agreement and there remains a salient possibility of a strike. Faculty has decided to start a well regulated militia so that their peaceful demands are met by force. The hiring board did not reach out for a statement, citing that “they were too busy figuring out the specifics of embezzling money out of every international student that comes to Acadia.”
(This article is very obviously satire.)