Somewhere

Photo by Fuu J via Unsplash

Somewhere, I am in Denver, 

I do not pick my face, 

I did not leave, I did not resent where I grew up. 

Went to university in the mountains, 

I didn’t sit on the soccer field ripping out weeds, 

I ran, up and down that field, eyes alight, 

I play soccer,

I am happy. 

Somewhere, I am in London, 

I have perused an international commerce degree, 

I have a clipped posh accent from my youth, 

Smoothed out by my parents’ Canadian tone. 

I am hopeful, tired, but at peace, 

I am in a coffee shop studying, trying to 

Understand the newest assignment,

I am content.  

Somewhere, I am in Toronto, 

I never left, 

Nothing ever happened to me late one evening, 

I have never changed, so irreparably broken that gluing myself back together took years. 

I have a graduation ring from my high school, following in my mother’s footsteps, 

I see my parents every week instead of calling them sporadically, 

I go to the shopping mall with my cousin, 

We order matcha lattes and laugh over boys,

I am unchanged.  

Somewhere, I am at Queens, 

I go out on the weekdays, 

I don’t wake up feeling like my life is crumbling apart in my hands. 

I have a few friends, we live off a rundown house, 

We scream ABBA as we drive to Montreal,

My hair is still red, longer now,

I am living. 

Somewhere, I am at Dalhousie, 

Left after my first year, 

Moved to the city. 

I do not know the people I could have met, 

I only know that Acadia was somewhere I would never be able to fit.  

I am alone, but I am determined, 

I go to a new coffee shop every week, crossing each name off a list. 

It’s a new game: 

Meeting new people, people I finally fit in with. 

Everything is new, everything is raw,

Change fits me like a moth-hole sweater, 

Comforting in material, but isolating.

I am so alone,

But I am free. 

Somewhere, I am here, 

I stuck it out, 

Gluing the pain, the strife together. 

Old wounds come back, I couldn’t run from them anymore, 

I embraced the hurt, found solstice in the comfort,

I know that here now, people down the hall understand me more than I understand myself. 

I have found comfort in the stagnation of my life, 

My small dorm room doesn’t feel like a prison anymore, 

Carving out a home in a pace I was determined to leave. 

I am myself; I am the girl from the west, moved around, the places blur. 

I am the girl who was hurt, broken, and bruised, 

But found happiness in the hard moments, 

Laughter in the broken foot, 

Friendship in the places least expected. 

I am still stressed, I still pick my face, I still lose my mind crying, 

But I am sorry for hating her for so long. 

I am choosing to love her now, 

I am the girl I am today,

I am me,

I am happy.