The Athenaeum

Tag: relationships

  • Coming out: My Story

     

    Coming out is hard regardless of whether it be relates to your gender identity or sexual orientation. On February 20th 2018, I finally accepted my sexual orientation as a bisexual individual. This was the part of a multi-year process filled with confusion, pain, and also excitement.

    In grade eight, I was a happy young hockey player without a care in the world – besides a naive dream of making it to the National Hockey League. It had been a rough year, and I had been the subject of bullying and hazing among my team mates. One of the many slurs I was subjected to was “gay” and team mates often made jokes about me liking men and wanting to join them in the shower. Then one day things escalated drastically – before practice I was sexually assaulted by a team mate. It happened again on another occasion, and I went into a depressive whirlwind before I finally broke down to my parents one night. I am super thankful I had them as supports, but the event left me hurt, isolated, and confused. I did not enjoy what happened, but it opened my eyes to the possibility that some individuals liked the opposite sex, a notion that was foreign to me in the conservative town I called home.

    I arrived at Acadia in a fresh environment free from my past connections and was free to create my own story. At Acadia, I could reinvent myself, or perhaps even find out who I truly was. On one of my first days here I met a transitioning trans gender individual who I eyed suspiciously. Today I am proud to call this individual a friend and am thankful for the exposure and advocacy they have gave to the LGBTQ+ community. Soon enough, I too began to question my identity, specifically regarding whether I was sexually attracted to both men and women; or in other words, bisexual.

    The “gay” name calling greeted me at Acadia, and I was told time and time again that there was no way I could be straight because: 1) I was too nice 2) I dressed nice and did my hair and 3) I only hung out with girls. These were actual stereotypes I was met with, and I think its crazy that in 2014 (and today)  people feel the need to label others. These labels made me confused because they were all true, but I wasn’t too sure about how I felt about men. For one, I was girl crazy, and had had a girlfriend all through high school. I could admit a guy was attractive because the majority of my friends were girls, and as such I had to hear about their crushes. Sure, I was also nice, but wasn’t that how you’re supposed to be? I may have dressed nice and did my hair, but I did this for me – not anyone else. How was this even relevant? Was I really different than other guys? The internal struggle of wondering how I felt, if it was okay to be gay, and how others saw me followed me throughout first year.

    In second year, another break through occurred as I met an amazing man, friend, and mentor – who happened to be gay. This mentor taught me that not only was it okay to be gay, but it didn’t need to be confusing. He told me that figuring out your sexual identity should be about you and requires no timeline or approval from others. Your happiness alone is the most important thing, and the opinions of others do not matter. This individual took the time to listen to my stories and perspectives and was open about his experience which I found very reassuring. I was also exposed to a significant amount of gay and bi culture during this time, and I began to think that perhaps I was bi after all. I had a great relationship at the start this year, and I joked about my sexuality with this girl, but I couldn’t quite admit to her how I felt. I wish I had.

    Fast forward to the present year, and I finally began to accept who I am. I’m lucky to have many LGBTQ+ friends and their courage and strength helped inspire me and guide me. After I became single I finally was able to force myself out my comfort zone, and I am proud to say that I have accepted who I am. It hasn’t been easy as I faced judgment from some peers, was questioned on social media, and even woke to a message stating “bi isn’t something you come out as”, but this just emphasizes the importance of sharing my story and advocating for LGBTQ+ rights. I am very fortunate to have supportive family and friends. For anyone who is currently questioning either their gender or sexual identity, I promise that it will be okay, and I wish you all the best in your journey. If you take the time to figure how you feel, and are confident, and focus on you then things will fall into place. We are lucky to attend a great school with a supportive environment. I too am here for you and am always available to talk. Thank you for reading my story, and remember – love is love!

  • A Guide to Being Promiscuous

    A Guide to Being Promiscuous

    Nolan Turnbull

    Sports and Wellness Editor

     

    Sexual liberation is one of many experiences students often benefit from at university. For the first time, students are out of their homes and are free to “find themselves”. At home, we are often restricted by our parent’s rules, the values of family members and friends, and the ideologies in our communities. At university, students can truly act as adults and can dictate all aspects of their life including their sexuality and sexual behaviours. I have been fortunate enough to have had two amazing girlfriends at Acadia (one which was long term) but have also tasted what it is like to be single and “promiscuous”. However, during this transition period it is important to be mindful of how you treat yourself and those who you choose to be romantically and sexually involved with. The following is my advice on how to act when you are experimenting with sex.

    1. Consent: consent can be a complex thing for some people to understand – even though it comes down to something as simple as a “yes or no”. The bottom line is – if you don’t have consent – then don’t flipping do it. This doesn’t only have to do with respecting your partner, but also just being a decent human being. I feel like I shouldn’t have to explain this, but I will for those who still hold the Neanderthal ideology that ‘a 1000 no’s and a hesitant yes is still a yes’. Consent must be loud and clear, and not forced. If someone says no – you stop. Simple as that. If someone is intoxicated – they can not consent. If your partner who regularly consents to sex with you doesn’t consent that night – then you don’t have consent. In other words, consent during sex is action-specific. Even within sex itself, taking the next step requires consent.
    2. Communicate: During sex, its great to use communication if possible to express your desire to continue, and what you like! Some people find non-verbal communication more attractive, but please use your words when it comes to something that crosses the line – safe words are great! Sex also can be greatly improved by being open with what you like and don’t like so that you can get the most out of sex.
    3. Be honest: Honesty is instrumental to a relationship regardless of how they are defined or “how serious” they may be. Be clear about what you want from the relationship or arrangement from day one. This will save both you and the person you are involved with many headaches and will ensure that neither person is hurt or feel used. I have been a victim of this, and also unfortunately have failed to be 100% honest with my partners at times. I am begging you to learn from this mistake and be open so that you can get the most out of sex whether it be in the relationship or the act itself. Know your limits and be respectful of yourself and also your partner’s wishes. This will ensure the best experience for everyone! In addition, be courteous. If you need to cancel – just tell them. If you have changed your mind about going out, then just explain that. I for one find it much more refreshing to know that the person just wasn’t feeling the relationship as opposed to being ghosted and left wondering about what I may have done wrong.
    4. Wear protection and get checked: Always wear protection. I don’t need to explain the risks regarding pregnancy and STI’s. Chlamydia is rampant at Acadia, and while it’s a minor ailment compared to some it can still have long term repercussions. Wear protection and get checked between partners. It doesn’t take long, and you’ll protect yourself and your partner thus avoiding awkward encounters and serious health issues.
    5. Have fun: Finally, remember to have fun. Sex and relationships should be about you and you first. You should feel safe, comfortable, and enjoy every aspect of a relationship. If you feel you are in a toxic relationship, then reach out for support from one of many supports on campus (there is an article in this issue!). Sex should be enjoyable and has many mental and physical health (who doesn’t enjoy a quick 15 minutes of cardio?). Don’t let what others think get you down. I personally have been targeting by slut shaming and have been called a ‘hoe’ for enjoying sex. A friend told me my sexual values are “way left field”. These comments hurt, but I know that what I did was best for me. As long as sex is consensual, fun, and communication is a core aspect – have at it.

    I wish you all the best in your romantic and sexual endeavours. I hope you find these reminders helpful. If you think I missed something, then let me know so I can improve and help promote sex positivity!

    XO

    Nolan

  • I’m No Fisherman

    There are plenty of
    fish in the sea. But,
    then you have to rent a boat and
    rod and buy worms
    and that’s too much
    damn effort for me
    right now.

  • Those Smoky Eyes

    Those Smoky Eyes

    Her eyes were dark and smoky. His eyes were dazed and glazed. His senses dulled.
    He couldn’t remember the last time he felt something real, not fabricated within the illusion
    reflected by the clouds of drug induced haze. He knew he had to get out. Get out of this rut
    he called “living”, drenched in booze and drugs, oozing in and out of his system. There was no peace, no serenity to hold him there. All there was for him was chaos, unhappiness—addiction.
    That one word.
    That one word he had heard so much about. He was warned again, and again, but he didn’t listen. He was hooked. It wasn’t even just the drugs; it was everything about the life. He had made some permanent rose coloured glasses with his deep-fried brain. He slept on an old futon mattress on the floor in sheets soaked in sweat, booze, and sex. He lived the life of the delinquent, but felt like a king.
    He needed to get out, but there she was in all her glory. Her skin aglow with the dim lighting from the street light coming through the window. She was truly beautiful. As sailors fell for the sirens and crashed upon the deadly rocks, he fell for her. Her leading him deeper and deeper into her brown eyes, deeper and deeper in to his pit of despair.
    He sat up on the edge of the mattress on the floor. He held his head in his hands. He knew what he had to do. But he didn’t want to go, he knew it was right. It is going hurt. The rustling of the sheets behind him began to move—the girl who he had thought he could love forever. Why did he have to do this again?
    More moving brought him from his thoughts and spurred him into action. He stood up and put on his clothes. He had everything on when she asked him where he was going. “It has been good, but we can’t do this anymore.”
    He couldn’t see her face but he knew what it looked like. The streams of tears caught the only light in the room, fragile crystals that weren’t supposed to be seen. He wished he hadn’t looked.
    “I’m sorry… Peace.”
    It felt like ripping off a huge piece of duct tape stuck on leg hair, but now it was okay. There was a weight that was lifted. His heart was broken and shattered, but it has released his soul to roam free. He left the apartment, into a building of many years of memories. He turned and went down the steps that always smelt a bit off and through the doors onto the stoop.
    He shoved his hands into his pockets to protect them from the crisp morning air. He searched through his pockets: wallet, lighter, phone, joint, earbuds. He took out his earbuds and plugged himself in. It was almost time for the sun to rise. He hit play. As the guitars and drums began to blare into his ear, he began to walk. Leaving the memories behind him. It was cold. He should have worn more the night before. He wasn’t headed home quite yet either. He needed to see the sun rise and he knew exactly where.
    He walked down to the mudflats and walked along a dyke. Farther and farther away from the town in the light darkness of early dawn. He didn’t reach his destination until the sky began to warm up with the beginning rays of sun. It was a rock he had walked out to his first year there. That version of him would have so many questions, he would not be able to answer any of them. He knew he really wouldn’t change anything. You can’t deny who you are, you just have to change it. At least, he knew that now. He was so different, but nothing really had changed. It was funny like that.
    The sun rose slowly above the dark earth illuminating the farm fields with soft pink light. A new dawn, the same old, same old, so he took out the stale joint he had in his pocket, and he lit it.

  • Living Through Long Distance

    I met my girlfriend a year ago in a coffee shop back home. Ever since laying eyes on her, I haven’t been able to take them off of her. She’s perfect from head to toe. It’s funny how you can meet someone when you least expect it. Unfortunately, life doesn’t always make it easy to make a relationship work. I realized that the hard way on my first date with her, quickly realizing that we went to schools hundreds of miles apart. However, I wasn’t going to let a couple of plane rides come in the way of her and I. So, here’s how we deal with our long-distance relationship.

    As you could probably guess, communication is really important. Whether that’s just simply sending a goodnight text or sharing what you did that day, every little detail is important to your significant other. Of course, FaceTime helps a lot. Getting to see their face at the end of a long day can make a bad day better, and a great day greater. She is always the first one I want to tell my good news to. As much as it sucks not being able to go home and see her face in person every day, the anticipation of counting down the days until we are together makes up for it in a way.

    Each day apart is another day closer to being together. That’s the way you learn to look at it to make the time apart a little more bearable. Sure, there are the bad days where the littlest things turn into arguments, but after an hour you realize just how pointless the argument was and apologize. It’s sometimes hard to express what you’re feeling over text or the phone. To me, that is the hardest part. Sarcasm, emphasis, and true meaning sometimes get lost in translation. I have learned it is always best to talk through the problems instead of running away from them.

    However, not all of a long-distance relationship is bad. I wouldn’t be doing it if it were. There’s something to be said about realizing how great somebody is by being apart from them for a while. You start to realize exactly what makes them so special and why you want to be with them. It also makes you appreciate the time that you do get to spend together. Breaks from school and summer vacation become even more special because you no longer have to spend time apart. The anticipation leading up to those final days of getting back to each other make every second apart well worth the wait.

    Not only does being together make you feel happier inside, but the physical aspect of the relationship also gets a much-appreciated spark. Seeing each other for the first time in a month brings back those feelings that I had when I first laid eyes on her. We both tend to get a little more dressed up, almost wanting to impress one another like were on a first date. The butterflies come back when I step off the plane, and the ride home is almost unbearable. The thoughts start flying through my head: What will she look like? What will she think I look like? Will things be weird? Different? Is she still going to be attracted to me?

    The simplest things like holding her hand or kissing her goodbye are what make being together so special. Date nights become a much bigger deal. Just physically being able to look into her eyes while talking to her is something that I wish I could do every day we spend apart. Looking through a computer screen just isn’t the same. Each and every relationship has its ups and downs, but it’s really up to you as to what you make of them. Speaking your mind and telling your partner exactly what you are thinking and wanting from them is very important. Nobody can read minds, so you need to be explicit. Be honest about what you are wanting from them emotionally, socially, and physically and take advantage of your time together (especially physically).

    All in all, I really hate it when people say “long distance never works” or “oh, that must suck”. Yes it does suck! But would I change it? No way. Long distance works for people who make it work. Sure, it might take a couple extra late nights to make sure you get to talk every day and yes, you have to go months without the physical aspect of the relationship. However, the times and experiences you have together make it worth the wait. I believe it makes me cherish my girlfriend even more since I don’t get to see her every day. It makes me appreciate our time together more than I ever would have without ever doing long-distance. All in all, next time you see that cute person in the coffee shop, stop worrying about what could go wrong and start thinking about what could go right!

  • A Demisexual Girl in a Sexual World

    When I was in grade seven, I specifically remember thinking something was wrong with me. All my friends had crushes and drooled over whichever celebrity was popular at the time. I was at a friend’s house listening to her drone on and on about how cute so-and-so is, how she couldn’t believe what’s-his-name was dating what’s-her-face, and I felt genuinely uncomfortable. Not because I thought there was anything wrong with the topics of conversation, but because I couldn’t actively participate in them. I didn’t have crushes. I mean, I knew I was supposed to have crushes, so I made them up to appease my boy crazy friends. Then one day my friend asks why I’m so weird when I talk about boys. I shrugged it off. Then the question that changed it all: “Hayley, are you gay or something?” Good question. Was I? It would explain an awful lot. So off I went to navigate the next four years of my life struggling between what I liked, who I liked, or if I liked anyone at all.

    When I entered high school, things got a little more tough. I was forced to see couples holding hands, kissing in the hallways, and giggling about who knows what. I concluded that something really was wrong with me if I truly couldn’t find myself being attracted to anyone. Could I determine if somebody was attractive? Absolutely. Was I ever attracted to anyone myself? No, I can honestly say that I wasn’t. I tried to be, and I knew I should have been, but no matter how hard I tried I could never bring myself to feel any sort of way with any sort of person. This was fine with me. And then Sarah happened. I met Sarah in one of my classes when I was 16. She had a huge personality, and made sure the entire room knew she was there. Unexpectedly she asked me if I was in to girls, to which I said “I honestly don’t know.” Two days later she asked me to be her girlfriend, and before I even knew what I was saying the word “yes” slipped out of my mouth. Was I attracted to her? No. Did I want to be in a relationship? No. Did I want to feel normal for once in my life and see if maybe I could feel attracted to somebody? Absolutely. Sarah and I didn’t have any sort of sexual contact until we were together for at least three months. She tried multiple times, and often grew irritated with me. I couldn’t explain to her why I just wasn’t into it, because I couldn’t even explain it to myself. “Maybe you just aren’t gay” is something I heard her say many times. Then I slowly found myself becoming increasingly attracted to her, and eventually I could feel and do all kinds of things with her. But this story isn’t about Sarah. That story would take far too long and be far too painful to tell. This is the story of how I figured out my sexual identity.

    So, fast forward 2 years later when I find myself newly single and back to not being attracted to anyone. That is, until a guy I’ve known forever took an interest in me, shared his secrets with me, and eventually told me that he loved me. Again, that story is far too long and far too painful to hash out for all Wolfville to see. But my experience with him was valuable in that I could finally see a pattern in my sexual attractions, or lack thereof. I explained to a close friend of mine that I seem to only ever be attracted to people who I have established a close connection with first, and that sexual attraction was completely non-existent without that pre-requisite. She turned to me and said three words that would change the way I thought and felt about myself entirely: “so you’re demisexual?”

    I had never heard this term before, so I’m assuming many readers haven’t either. Simply put, demisexuality belongs on the spectrum between asexuality (no sexual attraction at all) and sexuality. For the most part, demisexuals do not feel sexual attraction unless a strong emotional bond is first formed. This is different for every demisexual though, as each person has a different definition of what an emotional bond is. I can count on one hand how many people I have been sexually attracted to in my life, and I can guarantee that the number won’t increase by very much. Some of my friends have legitimately pitied me (Oh no! You poor thing! You don’t have sex? Like, ever?! That’s so sad, I could never imagine!), and some have claimed that I’m faking the whole thing just to have an excuse as to why I don’t have a love life. I have also been called a prude, a bitch, stuck up, and just too damn picky since I have no interest in discussing or engaging in sex. Hooking up is not for me. Lust at first sight is not my thing. Sexual arousal and I are not well acquainted. If that’s your thing, there is nothing wrong with you. But there’s nothing wrong with me either, and I’m thrilled that I can now believe that.

     

  • iDating

    Connecting with people is difficult, especially in this day and age of hookup apps like Tinder and Grindr. No longer does it feel socially acceptable to just go up to someone and ask them for coffee or out for dinner. As the one who is being asked on a date, are you expected to put out if the other person pays? Is the other person supposed to pay? With all of this in mind, how are you supposed to connect with the person you’re on a date with?

    Take Tinder: it has thousands of users and is notoriously known as a hook up app. If you’re there looking for a friend or a relationship, the fact that you’re finding them through a hookup app puts the pressure of sex front and center, even in the case that you do end up going out with them. Sometimes, swiping left doesn’t mean you don’t like them. Maybe you want to wait to meet them before you hint sexual attraction. And if you do meet up with them, it can be difficult establishing whether it’s going to be a one night thing, or a real connection. Having that conversation after only meeting online is not only hard, it’s downright intimidating.

    Sometimes, I hear people complaining about the new way that dating comes about: sleep together first, then decide whether or not you want to have a relationship. However, when it comes down to it, it shouldn’t matter in which order you do things. The most important part of a relationship is mutual connection to one another. So in my opinion, go for it, ask that guy or girl out for a cup of coffee, dance with them at that party, or send them that cheesy pick-up line on Tinder. Because in the end, we’re all just looking for someone else to share cool experiences and time with.

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