“I woke staring at the ceiling. I just laid there, not moving. I just watched as the shadows danced around the ceiling. They moved so slowly but elegantly. They moved to the drum in my chest and my ears. Their forms morphing to and from, graceful creatures and beautiful monsters of the imagination. I felt my blood being pumped throughout my body. I felt full. I felt alive. Then there was suddenly a hole.”
“Where was this hole?”
“It was where your heart is supposed to be, where it is supposed to be to wait for someone to aid it to beat, where it was suppose to work and help me feel something. I felt nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Emptiness seemed to swirl in a vortex consuming everything around it—slowly spreading. I felt as if I were dying. My internal organs were eating themselves inside out. It spread and spread and spread. I just laid. I did nothing. I couldn’t do anything. My limbs seemed to give up. My brain screamed in protest and told me to let the darkness take me whole. It told me it would make things better.
“It wouldn’t have been so bad. My soul, my soul revolted. It refused to die out. It refused to leave this realm to go to Valhalla. It refused to stop fighting. It still had some fight left. When the darkness touched my soul, chaos erupted. A giant mosh pit of emptiness and emotion collided. I felt the tremors of that giant combustion on my insides. The pain was intense. I cannot take it anymore.”
He had taken out his heart and had put it out there, in the air, for her to see. He had unlocked himself once more to let her in. He wanted someone to fill the vacancy in his heart. He wanted her to understand. He wanted her to care.
“You need help,” she said indifferently yet delicately. “ You need to take some Zoloft. It will make things better.”
She didn’t get the message. She didn’t take the hint. He had shown her his heart and she had paid no attention to it. She looked through like it was invisible. Like there was nothing there already. The pain in his eyes were far beyond repair. She had dropped Fat Man and he was destroyed.
“Here, I have some in my purse.”
She pretended to rummage through her purse, but in truth she knew exactly where they were. She drew it out carefully like it was a precious gem sent to earth from heaven. He took it from her shaking hands and opened the little bottle.
He got up and started walking.
“Where the fuck are you going?”
She hurried after him.
He entered the bathroom.
“What in God’s name are you going to do in there?”
He lifted the toilet seat and extended his arm. His arm slowly turned. The pills fell into the water.
“What the hell!?! I was only trying to help. You’re going to pay me back for those…” She continued on as she dove to salvage some pills. He didn’t listen.
He pushed her away and flushed and flushed and flushed.
Her screaming were reduced to sobs. He bent over and whispered into her ear: “ You need help.”
He stood up and walked out the door.