Dear Me

Dear Unfortunate me, 

Many people will look at you and ask if you are okay. You aren’t, but you have to smile and make your words sound convincing enough to not second guess your thousand-yard stares. People will ask you why it ended. You will have to brush it off, give a slight smirk and tell them that you lost interest, or he chewed too loudly to convince them that this was your idea. They will try to understand how you are feeling; you need to show them that you are so much happier than before by laughing harder and smiling more, to convince them you do not cry behind closed doors. Above all, they must not see you cry. You must seem cool. Cool with being friends. Cool as being ignored. Cool with taking their weak excuses. You must be seen as someone who will go with the flow, lest you get labeled as crazy. Lest you get labeled as the problem. 


Dear Hollow me, 

It had to end somehow. You know it hurts; you were you before. You know there are days where you can’t stop sobbing and asking why he couldn’t have tried a little harder or why you couldn’t have bent a bit further, and you have to live through them. You know there are days where you can’t feel anything, and you feel hollow and lonely, and you’re withering like a forgotten house plant. But you have to remember, this experience would not have been the same if you did not put your soul into it. You cannot be this hollow about something you didn’t experience so profoundly, and you did your best. 


Dear Angry me, 

Sometimes you want to punch a wall. Sometimes you want to scream. Sometimes you just want to watch the world burn so that people can understand how you feel. The littlest things will set you off, like similar sounding words that are oh so close to his name, his smiles, him looking perfectly fine while you are dying inside. You want to pick apart and shred every interaction you ever had just so you could feel justified. Just so you can feel vindicated in why this had to end. But you have to remember, you played a part in this. He was not the only one messing up. Take a deep breath, and remind yourself that you can enjoy a memory. 


Dear Heartbroken me, 

I am not going to tell you this doesn’t hurt. I am not going to tell you you’re going to get over this quickly or that the “one” is right around the corner, and I am definitely not going to tell you to go back to him. You loved him, but it’s over now. Be kind to yourself, you’re not perfect, and you shouldn’t act like you have to be. Be kind to his memory; you enjoyed it, you loved thoroughly, so why try to taint it. Cherish the time you had with him; it was nice while it lasted. But most importantly, if we take anything away from this, you deserve so much more than “fine” than “average.” You deserve your prince; you deserve your “rainbow connection,” and do not settle for less. He was someone you needed in your life then, but not someone who is required now. I love you, be kind to yourself, and remember it’s ok to feel things, and you will fall in love again someday. 

Your future self