Q: I recently got out of a long-term relationship with a partner from my hometown. We had been together since high school, and nearly all my sexual encounters/experiences were with them. I recently started hooking up with someone new here at school. I am enjoying the sex, but they aren’t able to make me come. What’s wrong with me? What should I do?
A: Thanks so much for the question. First things first, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. It can definitely take some time to get used to having sexual encounters with new partner(s) after being in a relationship with a partner who you shared so many of your early sexual experiences with. At the same time, it can also be a good opportunity for you to spend time [re]discovering your sexual desires, wants, and needs.
It is great to hear that you are having fun and enjoying the sex with this new person. Your question also gives a great opportunity to emphasize that having fun, pleasurable, and enjoyable sex can encompass so many different activities. Orgasm does not need to be the ultimate end goal of sex. That said… it is totally fair to want to have an orgasm when you are having sex with this new partner, especially if you know it’s something that you typically experience when you had sex in the past. In this case, it seems like communicating your wants and needs during sex may be helpful. In fact, communication is essential when it comes to our sexual relationships, especially when it comes to pleasure. However, pleasure is often left out of our education and conversations around sex. Because of this, many of us struggle or feel uncomfortable talking about what we want and need (i.e. our desires) when it comes to sex. Let me emphasize this… you deserve pleasure!
My first suggestion would be to think about what it is you really want during sex. Think about some of your previous experiences—what felt the best? What do you like? What don’t you like? I also suggest you take the time to get to know what you like by yourself—yes, I am talking about masturbation. You could even ask a new partner, if you feel comfortable, if you can show them how you like to masturbate, and ask them to show you the same. It can be a great way to learn about yourself, and your partner! Finally, I know that in practice, it can still be tricky to know exactly how to communicate during sex. If you feel unsure about how to go about asking for what you would like with any future partners, here are a few suggestions of what you can say/do:
· “it would be so hot if you…____”
· “I really want you to __ my ___”
· “Can we try [switching positions, acts, etc.]
· Move their hand to where it feels good
· If it’s good, tell them! Try saying “keep going” or “that feels good”