VATICAN CITY – After years of decrying Rock and Roll music as “satanic,” “Pagan trash,” and “not that good since Hendrix died,” the Catholic Church seems to have taken a softer stance towards the burgeoning Rock and Roll industry. In the official party manifesto, the Church stated “After taking a good hard look at the current socio-economic landscape: we realized that the best way to appeal to the thirty-forty year old market is by embracing Rock music.” This preceded t
he recent announcement made by the Pope stating intentions to release a Progressive Rock album. “After endlessly listening to Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin in my Mother’s basement, I have concluded that today’s music is utter shite.”
The album drops on the fourth quarter of 2015, coinciding with the release of the Church’s new fragrance line Papal. The album is going to incorporate traditional Catholic hymns in Portuguese, Spanish, and English, and also a guitar section spearheaded by former Slayer member Jeff Hanneman. The lyrical content revolves around topics such as environmentalism, love, hope, and how shitty of a city Cleveland is (it’s utter trash). There have also been rumors of a Kanye West feature on this album – which seems weird at first (even fictional, maybe). It could make a tenable plot for a movie: West, a mythic figure that claims to communicate with God, collaborates with the Pope.
This is not to say that the project has not had its fair share of detractors; critic Anthony Fantano went as far as to say “He [Pope Francis] is too derivative of his earlier work,” and “I feel that Church music was better in 1060 A.D. The content does not seem to be evolving and it’s always about the same thing: calling Russian protestants garbage.” Other critics have decided to reserve their opinions until the album is actually out. The Pope has encouraged people to look at it as a whole work of art, akin to the likes of the Mona Lisa, or the Sistine Chapel, or any Oasis album. “There’s three things I hope to be: godly, loving, and a fucking monster on the mic,” the Pope posted on his MySpace. Pope Francis stated that in addition to releasing a Progressive Rock Album, he also intends to emulate the lifestyle of a rock star – by turning eighty and whining constantly about the state of modern day music. “When I look at the Pope now, I feel that I can relate much more; we have similar opinions on the utter trash that is modern-day music,” said Thomas Jones, a twelve year old from Wyoming. Not only does this album manage to corner the 30-40 year old market, but also a market of teenagers who’s life has the sole purpose of commenting on YouTube music videos.