The New New Workout Plan

In 2004, Kanye did women everywhere a huge solid and introduced us to The New Workout Plan. It was never easier to snag yourself a rapper or NBA player (or at least a dude with a car). All you had to do was: a) give head, b) stop, c) breathe, d) get up, and e) check your weave. But times have changed. We need a newer workout plan. We need one that’s a bit more comprehensive so we don’t feel the brutal effects of Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness the next day. We need one that corresponds with all of the positions you know and love. So step aside, Kanye. There’s a new new workout plan.

You know that stupid crab walk relay that you always had to do in phys. ed.? Do you remember how excruciatingly tiring that was? Do you remember collapsing when you got halfway across the gym? And yet, somehow, whenever you’re riding cowgirl, you always end up in the fucking crab-walk position. It always seems like a good idea at the time. “Oh yeah,” you think to yourself. “I’ve got this.” And, for the first minute or so, you do. You are a porn-star/sex-goddess! But then it happens. You start to feel the burn in your upper arms. You ignore it. You are capable of this. Well, you would be if you had any measurable upper body strength whatsoever. This means that you’re going to want to incorporate some triceps dips and shoulder presses into this workout. And lots of them. Unless you want to relive those painful memories of your arms giving out during your crab walk. Only this time, instead of collapsing in front of your grade 8 phys. ed. classmates, you’re collapsing in front of the hot guy you brought home from the Vil. Or more accurately, on top of him.

Speaking of girl-on-top, your hip flexors are also going to need some serious attention. If you’ve woken up with a case of the shaky-legs, it’s a sign of a night well-spent (props), but it’s also kind of a bitch unless you plan on avoiding stairs for the rest of the day. Limber up with some lunge stretches. Your hip flexors will thank you.

As we all know, flexibility is of the utmost importance. So do yourself a favour and get into some yoga. Bonus points for hot yoga, which will more realistically simulate you trying to bend yourself into a sexy, sweaty pretzel. This will be especially helpful if you’re hooking up with a guy who thinks that all girls can just casually throw their legs over a dude’s shoulders without pulling a muscle. As if. And I’m sure you can use your imagination to figure out why it’s also a good idea to practice downward dog. Besides downward dog, you can prepare yourself to get it from behind by practicing cow pose (on all fours, with your stomach pushed towards the mattress). I can understand if you don’t want to call it “cow pose” though. It’s already weird enough to picture yourself as a doggy when you’re having sex, let alone a cow.

Abs are another key player when you’re getting freaky. Notice that your oblique muscles are sore in the morning? That’s probably because you were using them to hold yourself up while you were sexy-spooning your brains out last night. Some Russian twists with a medicine ball will fix you right up. And don’t forget your crunches! Those abdominals are going to come in handy when you’re on the receiving end of some oral action and you have to sit up to deliver directions and/or encouragement.

Finally, as for shower sex, I don’t really know what to tell you. You need all of your stabilizing muscles to be on point for that shit. Maybe try a Bosu balance ball or something. Only in order for this exercise to actually simulate shower sex, maybe try balancing on it in the pouring rain while trying to dodge a million falling shampoo bottles at the same time. That should do the trick.