Up Thinking Late

There are no more subtleties in the way that I speak

And amidst a loss for words and thoughts that make me weak

About the moments,

Where I feel like I shouldnʼt be held accountable for the things Iʼve told myself to do

I will remain this pretentious idealist,

Who really wants that to be true.

Iʼve done a lot of growing and want to call myself man

But then look at this sick little kid who most mornings,

Is too weak to stand

Thinking maybe its’ the liquor or maybe it’s the drugs

But it’s easy to brush these thoughts off with well-timed careless shrugs

So maybe Iʼm lying and I still canʼt hack it

And that’s why Iʼll blame my shoulders for not fitting inside my dad’s vintage jacket

Since I can barely open my eyes without popping any vyves

And I donʼt think a thing will change

that I can barely open my mouth without telling any lies

I havenʼt felt awake in weeks and I havenʼt been asleep in months

And with all these dark signs theyʼre going to ask when’s he done pulling stunts?

I’m writing to the last of the immortal kids refusing to call their fuck ups mistakes

And to my friends who live their lives no more asleep than awake

To all the boys who have left

And are dearly departed

And the ones who despite our best efforts just feel

Damned regardless

Through tear drops and heartache

Caused by rain drops and heartbreak

Since I fucked around and lost my lovely starlet

But stayed pissed off because she played a buyer’s market

Call me a hypochondriac, with a disease of the heart not the mind

But Iʼll spin my words until you know that

She was so much easier to lose

Than she was to find

You would need a big magnifying glass to see the beauty I can see

In the darkest days of my life

Ye t   t h e  p e rs o n   w h o  re a d s  i t  fo r  t h e m

Will think, not know

That Iʼm being a huge bastard for this

And that no matter how I rephrase it

Lying to us both has turned me into a plagiarist

Iʼm built with a foundation of putty and a frame of glass

And with every aching step, I continue to wonder how long Iʼm meant to last

I may not have grown much, but Iʼve certainly learned that sooner or later

You have to pay the price for what youʼve done

And I donʼt know if it’s a symptom of now or before

But learning these lessons

Has yet to prove fun.