I cannot smell - for all aromas have ceased without your smoke and cinnamon scent. I cannot taste - for the food turns to ashes on my tongue in solidarity with what we had. I cannot hear - for when I listen to the wind I am deafened by the absence of your voice. I cannot see - for when I wake my sight blurs with tears and visions of your eyes. I cannot feel - for everything inside me is dead without your touch to bring it to life. Like an oracle stripped of prophecy - I am lost and senseless without you.
Tag: love
Now That You’re Gone
What is Love?
Is it a sin to fall too soon?
when that person made you swoon
Is it a sin to fall too hard?
When those hormones catch you off guard?Is love a narcotic?
To merely drive you a craze
To slowly set your heart ablaze
And showers you with cold-hard rain?Is lust a temptation?
To make you chase the wind
To make you break the sails
Cuz all you wanted was to go all inFrom the three words spoken
To the two birds in the open
Out of their eyes and innocence
The two hands ribbon in entanglementsTimeless, in a stream
Many months passed, a lifetime it seemed
In beautiful dress and gloss
The groom awaits by the cross
Where they pledge their undying will
But naive were they, stillParis and honeymoon
As stellar as one could see
They soon realize,
they were never really meant to be…From fine wine and dinner
How they wish they were cuffed in winter
Alas spring shed its tears, as the masquerades fall
The skeletal truth reveals, to which they both abhor
Years passed, from the first kiss to the quarrels
To debts, calls, family and strugglesTill she finally gives her way
and the other goes astray
The two birds greet a lawyer
who presents a pen and paper
Those eyes that have seen love and heaven
Bloodshot, now see hell and vengeanceThe two birds depart
left with memories and broken hearts
They seek for the wise and ponder above,
To the oceans of stars, they wonder,“What is love?”
Why Everyone Should Watch This Is Us
This Is Us, a popular TV drama, is one of my favorite shows of all time. There are so many reasons for this, but I’ve only listed a few. I hope it inspires you to start watching it, too.
- It teaches life lessons
Without spoiling too much, there are many examples throughout the show of characters who struggle with such real issues that viewers can’t help but learn and grow alongside them. One of the times I felt myself most invested in the characters’ lives was when a young girl tells her parents she’s gay. I had never truly understood the difficulties that come with this. Although I’ve still never personally experienced it, and therefore can’t fully comprehend what it’s like to go through, the show’s depiction of one person’s experience allowed me to get a glimpse at how hard that can be. I now have a much deeper appreciation for the pain people go through just to be themselves.
We also see topics such as alcoholism, adoption, racism, toxic relationships, mental health, and so many others being explored so openly. The show has allowed me to think about these things more profoundly and to learn from the characters’ experiences. Through the characters’ struggles, the show tells us that it’s okay, and that it’s normal, to experience the things they do.
- You feel like you’re a part of the characters’ lives
The producers are extremely talented in making you invested in the storylines of the characters by creating the feeling that you know them personally. Since they are so vulnerable, viewers feel like they are there with them, learning, helping, and growing. One of the characters in the show experiences panic attacks and anxiety. By depicting this so openly, it’s easy to feel like you’re experiencing those moments with him. This may make you reflect on similar situations from your own life, which connects you to the show that much more.
- There is so much love
Since the show follows the main characters from birth to adulthood, viewers experience different types of love throughout their entire lives. We see supportive and healthy relationships, as well as toxic examples of love. Familial love is the base of the entire show as it’s represented through arguments, sacrifices, and hardships. Romance is another huge part of the series, with passionate love stories, divorce, and love in the LGBTQ+ community all being explored. There is also a focus on the characters’ adoration for friends, pets, music, and other passions in life. All of this love makes the show so much more appealing.
- You’ll feel every emotion
If you ask anyone else who’s seen the series, they’ll either tell you that it’s the most amazing show they’ve ever seen, or that it’s the most amazing show they’ve ever seen but they can’t watch it anymore because it makes them cry every time they watch it. The vulnerability of the characters gives everyone something to relate to, which is often a cause for tears. The show is also hilarious. With the close bond the siblings have comes humour that families can relate to. The fact that the characters’ stories can make viewers cry and laugh simultaneously is rare.
Being Bisexual…what’s new?
I have always been a very active individual, loving athletics, trying almost all sports in grade school and high school, and being a part of the Cross-Country team at Acadia during my undergraduate career. I attended a private girl’s school and was surrounded by female coaches who believed in the girls they were teaching.
In high school, I knew that I found girls attractive but I wasn’t sure what that meant. I have been asked if I was gay and I immediately resisted that label. My thoughts around identity politics used to be summarised by two questions that I posed to myself “why are we, as a society, so obsessed with the need to self-identify?”, “Why can’t someone just say I love men and women and that is good with me”.
I have thought about this question a lot, addressing it in a way that will hopefully create positive dialogues. I believe that you shouldn’t have to self-identify, it should be a choice, if you want to, then go forward and say it out loud. But as an introvert it took me a long time to become okay with my sexuality. Not an uncommon phenomenon.
While studying Sociology in university, the importance of formal structures and institutions largely determine how heteronormative relationships are prioritised in our society as a whole. Gay marriage is still illegal in many countries and punishable by death. There are communities rallying together to rise up against the oppressive nature of patriarchal values, whose role in sexuality is significant, to say the least.
During my junior year of university, I told my dear friend that I had a keen interest in women and she was nothing but a true-blue friend who actively supported me and allowed me to feel proud of being bisexual. I knew that there was a lot of stereotyping surrounding bisexual individuals even from members of the LGBTQ+ community.
Some individuals believe that bisexuals are unfaithful, confused, immoral, and just straight and experimenting. The thought of an individual who loves men and women, and the importance of trans individuals is crucial to mention, especially their powerful role in shaping our communities.
When I realised in university that this was NOT only a phase but a true reflection of my own attraction to men and women, I allowed myself the freedom to tell my close friends and family. Six years later I can say that I am proud of my bisexual self-label. I chose to acknowledge it because I knew without it, I wouldn’t be being true to myself while simultaneously undermining the work of the LGBTQ+ community at large.
I have looked up to women my entire life and am now seeing a political climate that is changing positively, but slowly. I see women who are proud of their work, proud of their accomplishments, women who have come out in the LBTG+ community. Women who are starting revolutions and fostering change for the good of humanity. Women have always been working for change, but I believe that work is truly starting to connect us globally.
What I would like to remind individuals who don’t identify as a part of the LBGTQ+ community is that sexuality is fluid, and judging others for their sexuality is unfair and oppressive. I am not confused. Bisexuality is just as valid a form of sexuality as any other. Women loving women is beautiful. Women loving men and women should be normalised. Men loving men is beautiful. Trans people deserve love and respect. LOVE IS LOVE.
The Living Sky
Hey, past lover.
I think
We were two sets of eyes watching same sets of clouds.
Do you like the sound of that?
Makes it sound pretty.
Makes it sound real.Hey, past lover.
I think
I miss watching these skies with you.
Did you see last night’s storm?
Lightning fell like it wanted to be rain.
Winds rose as if they wanted to crash into Heaven.Hey, past lover.
I think
We made the right choice in the end, even if it hurts.
Do you know what I mean?
Good ideas undone by too much understanding.
Bad ideas made divine by too great of distance.Hey, past lover.
I think
Your smiles these days would be more cumulus rather than wispy cirrus.
Do you think that you are happier now?
Because I really hope that you are.
Because I really think that I am.
Untitled
Whenever I tune my guitar,
You.
Whenever I look at the stars,
You,
My heart is scarred
Threw
My vision blurred
Me
I don’t know why I hurt.
Against
your lips, rough like dirt
Your,
but I love your
Skin.
inhale..
I can’t
exhale..
breathe
in the fresh air
While
struggling to break free
You
grip harder on me
Hold
think less, do more
Me
actions speak louder than words.
Within
Horror Movies to Get You Through Valentine’s Day
It’s Valentine’s Day and love is in the air, infecting us all. The chocolate, the candy, and the flowers are spreading their sweetness around campus. But for those of you who would rather celebrate without buying (literally and figuratively) into the saccharine empire built around the idea of romantic love, I see you and I am here to help. Something that Valentine’s Day seems to make us forget is that love isn’t always sweet. There is a fine line between love and obsession. Here are the best Valentine’s horror movies to get you through this evening.
May (2002)
Nothing makes people more desperate than a traumatizing childhood. Suffering from a lazy eye and rather awkward social habits, May was severely bullied throughout her childhood and was never able to connect with people. So, naturally her only friendship was with a doll encased in glass named Suzie. Suzie was made for May by her mother who thought she was clever by telling her daughter “if you can’t find a friend, make one”. Little did she knows that May would take this quite literally. Now into adulthood, May’s lazy eye has been corrected and she begins making (real people) friends. But May’s odd behaviours prove to be too much for her new friends, and they abandon her one by one. This doesn’t sit well with May, so she vows to “make” friends like her mother taught her…by taking her favourite parts of people and creating the perfect companion. Cheesy? Yes. Predictable? Absolutely. Should we unpack the social commentary a little bit due to the problematic nature of this plot? Yes. But for now, let’s just be entertained.
Valentine (2001)
In another case of misfit revenge, Jeremy is harshly rejected at a Valentine’s Day dance by the three most popular girls in school. Feeling sorry for Jeremy, Dorothy agrees to dance with him and then subsequently has a make out sesh under the bleachers. But of course, the biggest school bully catches them and, out of fear of being judged, Dorothy claims that Jeremy has sexually assaulted her. So, he is beaten and humiliated and ultimately thrown out of school. Thirteen years later, all the people involved in the Valentine’s Day humiliation of Jeremy begin receiving vulgar Valentine’s cards…and dying. Is it Jeremy? Likely. But trust me, there is a plot twist that is both perfect and ridiculous that you need to see.
The Loved Ones (2009)
Rejection stings. If the last two movies didn’t prove that for you, maybe this Australian flick will do the trick. After her crush denies her invitation to prom, Lola kidnaps him and forces him to participate in her very own prom that is held in her basement. While this plot seems rather tired and unoriginal, there is far more going on than we as the audience can even fathom. For example, the act of kidnapping seems to be a family tradition and not just a one time bitter-rejected-teenager thing. Neat.
My Bloody Valentine (1981)
Complete with quintessential Canadian gore, My Bloody Valentine tells the story of a group of young adults who, in the middle of their Valentine’s Day party, find themselves to be the prey of a vengeful murdering miner. Yes, a miner. This film is complete with instances of cannibalism, death via pick axe, some odd mining accidents, and of course a butt hurt miner who swears to go on a killing spree if the infamous Valentine’s Day dance were to ever happen in the town again. Seems logical. But the Valentine’s Day dance is eventually planned once again, which inspires a gruesome murder. Terrified, the older residents cancel the dance. This upsets the younger townspeople who take it upon themselves to throw their own party…at the mines. The Motion Picture Association of America was forced to cut almost 10 minutes worth of footage due to the overly graphic violence that the film originally had. Valentine bonus: this movie was filmed in Sydney Mines, Nova Scotia.
If you’re feeling cynical about this superficially romantic day, find comfort in the fact that you at least aren’t being kidnapped and murdered. Besides, it isn’t all that bad! Tomorrow we can buy discount chocolate.
a hell of a drug
i just want to run
and dance and scream until i cant anymore.
i want to lay in the road and let the stars swallow me whole
i want to be devoured by the night sky
and the morning
i want the sun to kiss me on the forehead
and promise me it’ll never burn out
so long as my heart beats for the moon
and if there ever comes a day where i cant wake up
i hope to fucking god i have told you
how often i think that i love you.
Don’t Go Too Far
Don’t go too far, my love,my darling, watch the waves and the
pounding surf wash upon the sand,
whirling forth in a flurry of salt and sea and sun.
Don’t trust those white caps while you wander
forth into a wondrous world, they’ll cheat you.
Watch the tide, the rise, fall, pull of water
As you laugh, gleefully, in the face of it.
Don’t stay out too late, my hope,
my daughter, watch the boys who laugh,
and smile and dance and disappear like
sea mist on a sunny morning. Don’t let
yourself get caught, ensnared in their nets,
harpooned like a wild, exotic sea creature,
who chanced upon their boats.
Don’t forget this moment, my pride,
my joy, my sunrise over the horizon, rising
above as ever. Don’t rush by roses and flowers
like sailboats in the distance, colourful, quaint,
and entirely out of reach. Don’t miss out on laughter that
bubbles over like foam on sugar soft beaches, or
dreams that float on currents of moonlight and magic.
Don’t go too far, my heart, my comfort,
my ray of sun on windswept days, my summer
breeze, lightly pushing me onwards, across
oceans and seas and lakes and rivers. Don’t leave me,
my guide, my seashell path down a barren coast, my
wave of adventure who will wash over me, drag me under,
teach me of the ocean, the worlds in which I wander,
and wash away. Don’t go too far, my mother.
Sun–buzz–rise
As he stared into her eyes, the silence seemed to creep up onto them. It hung there, sitting with them.
Buzz. Buzz.
Her phone. Her parents must have walked into her room where she was supposed to be sleeping. She took it out of her pocket, glancing at the glaring name of her father, pressed end, and placed the device back into her pocket. She returned her gaze upon his.
“ You should probably go.”
He saw how her warm green eyes were reaching out. She didn’t want to go. They reminded him of the mother he used to know, though the whites of her eyes were usually pinkish. Her whites were whiter than an undisturbed, fresh snowfall. He wished his eyes could be like hers, so perfect and untouched, but his had started to look like his mother’s more and more often. She was so perfect. The early light of the sunrise finally hit her face, caressing it. She turned her head to face it. The light bounced off of her pale face, illuminating it.
“ My, isn’t it beautiful. I have never seen anything like it.” She smiled. Her teeth seemed to become opaque white crystals, brightening the sunrise.
“ Yes it is,” he replied, without even looking into the direction of the rising sun. She turned her head and saw his gaze. The silence of nature was never broken. They spoke through their gaze. They began to lean in.
Buzz. Buzz.
Buzz. Buzz.
She shoved her hand into her pocket and picks up: “ What?”
“ Where are you young lady?”
“ I woke up early and went for a walk.”
“ Why didn’t you leave a note?”
“ I thought I would be back by the time you guys got up.”
“ That is no excuse, young lady. You are to come home immediately.”
“ But dad…”
“ No buts. We will discuss your punishment when you get home.”
“ Fine.”
She stuffed the interrupting device back into her pocket.
“ I should go.”
“ You should.
” He nodded. With the phrase leaving his mouth, he felt their hearts tear apart. She leaned in and gave him a kiss on the cheek.
“ We should do this again.”
“ Yeah, we should. ”
She then sped away to race home to parents who would end up giving no punishment, or a minor one at least.
He sat there in the silence, procrastinating. He did not want to go back to the place people would call home. He did not want to go back to a place where they wouldn’t even care to ask him where he has been. The only thing that might happen is that they ask him if he has any money to satisfy their itch. He did not want to go back to the room he sleeps in, ignoring the problems around him. He did not want to go back to hell.
All he wanted to do was watch the sun rise high into the clouds. He wanted to watch how the sun lit up the world. He wanted to see the pearly white smile light up his world. He wanted to make this peaceful sanctuary last a bit longer before the brutality of the urban world destroys it. He laid back and let the pinkish rays illuminate and warm his dark cold body. He felt free. He felt happy. He wanted to stay in heaven, but reality had enough of it and tore him down as the rumble of the morning garbage truck barged by.How Can I Know What Love Is
Love is one of the earliest concepts I remember being introduced to. It was the unbreakable connection between family. You could fight all you wanted and the love stayed strong. I never understood that love; it never seemed as strong as the anger I held as a child. Yet something soothed the anger, shrinking the blinding flames singeing my emotions. I still never felt it outright, but in hindsight that was my love for my family. I still felt wrong about how I loved. It felt weak, simple, and easy to lose. Surely love should feel like more than cheap, thin, one-size-fits-all gloves. Despite wanting to love differently, there were problems at home. The glove still got wet, was lost, or formed holes. My fingers still froze. I wish this paragraph was meant to go somewhere, unfortunately this isn’t the time for that to happen. My discomfort about my lack of love still has a stronger effect than the love itself when it comes to family.
Fortunately, I have found a love that feels good. It has a warm, calm effect. It is wrapping yourself in a blanket fresh from the dryer. I feel that love for a bird. She knows who she is and she’ll hate me for writing this. It’s often said that writers are mainly motivated by their pursuit of sex. Personally, I would agree with that, but not on this occasion. Today I’m simply writing for marmite. You see, love is absolutely not something I understand. I do, however, embrace it. To be specific, love comes from a friendship through which you often stay up until near the dawn discussing your lives, school, politics, the mundane and everyday, you also share in your adoration of a particular trio of British automotive journalists, police officers who are reflections of the best and worst parts of you both, a small, fictional paper company based in Scranton, Pennsylvania. Most importantly, love is understanding what it can mean for a bird to have a complete and utter disregard for marmite.
Cosmopolitan Love
My darling, with her clothes litteredon a floor painted orange.The windows did not come prepared.Cactus on a stool,and a stack of our vinyls(we bought them in a far away fair).The nights are force with a paint of its own;the windows steer it in,clothes light up in appeasing glee.When you get out of bed,and look down a familiar walk to the tub.It’s a feeling that digs into my chest,and into the air that’s in between.Shunning out the sheets that were over us,stuck in a place I want to be.Remember where our vinyls were?They’re fuzzing away a black night’s soundwith a warring fervor.Her wine’s surface bows tofuzzing sound too.I’d rather not have another, darling.Her hand won’t write like yours,and her dresses won’t sing like yours,and the rain won’t stick to her necklike yours.People find something worth looking for,I’m not willing to look that far.It’s already read in the sweat,and in the walk to the Nest.We’ll talk about the stars that were clawedinto the ceiling with a box nail.My darling—she reaches for the glass of wateron the nightstand.Her lips are parched whenthin winter trees peek in;spaces between them peek too.Their eyes veer throughout the night though,focusing momentarily on cactus.Where our vinyls were.You Probably Won’t Like The Ending, And That’s Okay
Your eyes are brown and beautiful, it’s been longer than three years since I last saw them. No one ever tells you that brown eyes can be beautiful, everyone fawns over the depth and clarity of blues and greens. Beautiful brown eyes are softer, warmer. I didn’t realize how long I’d been held by them. I don’t remember when our eyes first met. As the flames between us danced, they blocked the line of sight, and I realized I hadn’t been breathing. Outside of my mind the moment ended. I drifted between paying attention to the conversation around me, and attempting to indulge my lust for your gaze. I aimed to lose myself in your eyes again.
Glances toward you lingered longer and were more frequent. Even now the memory of the erratic shadows cast on your soft skin by the flames is calming. You were far too pretty, in contrast to the scruffy mess I was. You were also too pretty for this place – this campground didn’t deserve you. I caught your eye again, and time seems to stop. I smiled, and you got up from the log and were lost in the darkness surrounding the fire. I stared into the flames, my thoughts still filled by you. I realized I was cold and tired, so I turned to leave.
You’re there, slight smile, those eyes. I mesh my fingers with those of your outstretched hand. You’re cold as well, and soft. I can’t tell which of us is trembling, fighting not to shiver. You take the lead, and I follow. I’m thankful the moon provides enough light that I can make out how beautiful your form is. I curse the night for teasing me with the details. You’re definitely too pretty. I realize I have no idea where we’re going, who you are, or why you’ve brought me here. I wonder why I’m not concerned when you stop. There should have been silence in the absence of footsteps. I hear breathing. It has an emotional quiver to it, a note of urgency. I realize its not mine. Our eyes meet again. I don’t stare this time. I’ve closed my eyes without really understanding why. I don’t open them.
I can describe your eyes now, if only to myself. They look they way your lips feel. Warm. Soft. Tempting. Sexy. Wrapped together, we both shiver. Mouths part for breath, our faces still touching. We kiss again. Your tongue presses into the part between my lips. I allow you. I understand the phrase “putty in your hands”, I’ve become it. I wasn’t sure what to expect, or why I expected anything at all. But, grinning despite gasping for breath, I expected something to happen. Your eyes echoed back the new energy, the new feelings, the electric thrill.
Comet: An Analysis of Love In Parallel Universes
Comet tells a story of love that spans over six years and over a few parallel universes. I’d like to start off by applauding it for the bold stylistic choice used to represent it. The non-linear timeline flashes forward, backwards, and sideways. Yet, the story remains coherent and connected, in heavy part due to the two main leads Kimberly (Emmy Rossum), and Dell (Justin Long). The movie tracks a break-up, a getting-back-together, a proposal, and a story of how they met, all of which is done non-chronologically. Why shouldn’t it? It remains an engaging description of love and relationships. There’s no concrete linearity between the ‘big’ moments in a relationship; they just happen. Looking back at any big relationship in your life, it seems impossible to piece together a ‘timeline’. Sure, you remember the coffee you guys picked up, the way her hair danced to a summer breeze, the first time you had sex. But if you were asked to piece it together into something that had some semblance of a coherent timeline, it would seem impossible. They’re just moments dancing their way around the cosmos, and they never seem to return to us the way we want it to—we’re left forever chasing. It is this feeling that I believe this movie aims for: moments that you cherish that somehow get thrashed away in an unrelenting wave of non-linearity. But nonetheless, it’s still cherished by the mind.
The movie ends with Dell’s tirade on the irrationality of trying to get Kim back. This moment is complimented by some stylistic cinematography, as the scene progresses a second sun begins to peak its head out into a sky that seems to be an amalgamation of fading colors. And slowly, the scene begins to evolve into a static picture—a painting. I think everybody should be able to connect with this on many levels. There’s always going to be an idealistic hope to win an ex back, and it’s always irrational. It’s a chase back into the past, and the past always remains an abyss that never lets go. And in the end it will devolve into a static picture, an apt metaphor for the seemingly static period when you think you found happiness. But you can’t move forward, because the stasis you think you want is that which suffocates you.
In a lot of ways Comet plays out like a dream, a movie that is interwoven with jarring details that you’d rather remain nondescript. But you have to take it as a whole, inculcating these seemingly irrelevant details, because in the end, it’s what you’ll wind up remembering.
You, Me & Bitter Coffee: A Love Story
A good typical love story has a happy ending, a good typical love story is made, not written at three in the morning mere hours before the start of a busy work day. This story is not that. Like the coffee it contains, it is mostly bitter and without enough milk or sugar to suit my tastes.It begins at an ending. High school graduation we sat next to each other, not by choice. Our last names happened to align. Maybe some day, if things are different between us, I will include them here and be proud of the story I’ve written about howI fell in love with you. As things currently stand I don’t expect that to be the case. The ceremony begins, I don’t remember it. I remember the photo I took of us, the selfie you instructed me on because I had never tried to take a good one. That photo remains only in my memory. Every dark and subtle detail of the two of us in cap and gown exists only in my mind. Deleted in one of my ever more frequent attempts to rid myself of the feelings deep within me that only you bring to the surface. The highlight of my evening was in two parts. The thrill of tearing open my gown on stage to reveal the skin tight batman shirt I had on underneath was not one of them. The look of excitement, wonder, and joy I got to see from you when I returned to the seat beside you certainly was. I am absolutely certain that is the same look I gave you upon your winning of the highest academic achievement award. However shallow of me it may be, it was then that I first took you seriously. Not because of the award, but because of your reaction to it. You almost seemed embarrassed, and that was a feeling I knew well. With that reaction it clicked to me that we could be good for each other. The record will show I was certainly correct in some sense on that point – though not exactly in the way I had wished. We went to safe grad. Somehow, I had managed to get your number during graduation and we texted on and off throughout the night, it was pleasant. As hard as I tried, I couldn’t seem to find you that night. At the time I thought I had blown a great opportunity, and I may have done so.Summer went along and we kept in touch, something I rarely did even with established friends, but you were special already, so that is of little note. It was during this time I know I started to fall for you. I was on a very boring, mostly empty city bus. I sat facing backwards beside the window, I had my nose in a book. Looking up I happened to catch the world in a rare perfect moment. The sun glistened off the harbour far below, not a single cloud to obstruct it, only a few to provide it with a frame to sit in. The air suddenly was lighter and smelled of sweet grasses, not diesel. I had only one thought in that moment. And so I texted it to you. I meant to put the words here but I don’t dare remember because I know pain is all they will bring. Not serious nor terrible pain. Just the pain a child feels when letting go of a helium balloon – just that pain, except in my heart. That particular scene on that particular day remains my favourite of all the moments I have ever lived, and my only desire in that moment was to share it with you. I’ve since shared wonderful and incredible times with you, but they have all been tainted by texts sent later in the summer, and the messages they carried to me.At first you didn’t feel like it was a good time to date, and so I waited. Then there wasn’t anyone you wanted to date and so I was the closest friend I could be. And then you got a girlfriend, and I was heartbroken. Thankfully you provided the distraction I needed from the news along with the news. My mind still reeled for days, actually that’s a lie. I still don’t have a good grasp of it many months later. I’m getting ahead of myself, skipping the relationship I had with you that you never signed up for.We started at university together, finding comfort in one another’s company in a strange new world. You needed a friend, and I simply needed you. Our walk through the gardens was the most cliché and romantic date I could think of. It would have only been better if it were actually a date. We debated what types of flowers grew where, which ones were prettiest, and the entire time I simply hoped to have our fingers intertwined instead of simply brushing together. I gave up on the second try, or at least I planned to. The discovery of the small and simple waterfall changed that. We were both equally excited about it, you because of the waterfall, the natural beauty of it. I was of course excited because you were excited, and saw that bring out your own natural beauty. I fear now that any time I go there I will only be able to think of you, and without a great change I wouldn’t dare bring anyone else there. It ended the way most of our time together has – and will continue to end – with my insisting to walk you home making sure you are safe. You bring out the best in me – my confidence, comfort, and strength. It takes more than I can manage to imagine what I will do without you in my life, you’ve been a great advisor and an even better friend, and I honestly wish that was all I wanted you to be.Midterms would bring coffee back into our story. You were a huge fan of it, it did everything I wanted to do for you – it kept you warm, helped you succeed, it was there late at night and early in the morning, it even helped pay the bills. That may be a bit of a stretch, but then everything was for me when you were involved. I gave you 110% and I think enough time has passed that I can admit my grades suffered because of how I felt, my friendships as well, even my partying was reduced, though that is likely for the better. I spent more time studying with you for your courses than I did my own, I pushed myself harder for you than I ever did for myself. In return I got homemade sodas and coffee, neither I really liked, but I loved them both because I associated them with you, and when I had them I was with you.I’ve seen exactly one scene from the Notebook, it’s the one with them laying down in the middle of the road watching the stoplights. Our town didn’t have stoplights, but it did have something even more romantic: snowstorms. I personally believe that our walk on that stormy night down the middle of the road beat the hell out of any scene in any movie in terms of chemistry, it also beat the hell out of my mark in chemistry.It was beautiful, it was exactly everything I hoped I would be able to offer to you as a partner in your life. That didn’t line up with what you needed and I’m not going to cry now thinking of you and your girlfriend being together. I have also just realized I can never send you this. You are too good a person, you’d feel guilty and I can’t ever put those feelings on you.That’s a rough outline of what I want to say, though there is more of course. The time we got shitfaced on rum and eggnog and you sat quietly and suffered with your secrets while we all spilled ours, the time you told me you were ace. The day I feel the worst about, the lunar eclipse. Job hunting, lunch at the cafe, open mic night at T.A.N., our adventures to Three Pools and all over the Valley. Our story isn’t one continuous love story. It’s the story of a simple, foolish boy falling in love with the most beautiful girl in a totally different way every single time they meet.