A Zombie Apocalypse Horoscope

Aries: This is your moment to shine! Don’t wait around for someone else to fight back against the Zombies – grab your weapon and lead the resistance! But- just remember to wait a few moments before opening the bunker door, alright? You don’t want to burst into a hoard of Zombies the second you set foot outside!

Taurus: It’s sad that you didn’t start to worry about the apocalypse until the wi-fi went out. Tranquillity is great and all, but there’s a mob of decomposed humans outside your dorm. No – don’t take a moment to meditate before you flee! Get out of there!

Gemini: Um. . .let’s just say you won’t have to worry about your looks for much longer. Or, y’know, breathing. 

Cancer: I realise that your family should be the focal point of your worries, but there is nothing you can do for them now. Weeping about it won’t change anything. Go hang out with Sagittarius, they ought to cheer you up! 

Leo: Dude, the world is ending. Nobody cares about your YouTube channel – and how are you still getting wi-fi? It’s time to come out of the bunker and do something about the state of things. Or you could just do whatever Scorpio is doing.

Virgo: Good news – your crush finally appreciates your brains! All those months of planning and anticipation for your big date have paid off! The bad news? Your crush enjoys the taste of your brains. . .

Libra:  You’re the reason Gemini won’t have to worry about their looks. Yeah, you got zombified early on. If only you hadn’t decided to break up that bar fight. . . 

Scorpio: … I don’t know if ‘Best Zombie Hunter’ counts as a goal to aim towards. I mean, yeah, those gristly heads you have staked around your bunker are impressive and all, but I think some human interaction would do you a world of good. Go visit Taurus, looks like they could use your help anyways. 

Sagittarius: That final you were worrying about? Forget it! The world is ending and it is time to party! Light fireworks, do a donut in the parking lot, kiss someone if you really want to. Kiss everyone!

 Capricorn: Well, the good news is that you won’t get turned into a Zombie – today, that is. The bad news is you’re the last person alive who has the brains to develop a cure, and you’re too busy bemoaning the absence of your Instagram following to create one. 

Aquarius:  Beware a dark-haired stranger . . . no, seriously. Any and all strangers could potentially be Zombies, so be on your guard. Especially if you know a Virgo or a Libra. 

Pisces: You’re in a rut. Yes, the world is ending, but living off in Cloud-Cuckoo Land won’t change that! Live your life to the fullest instead (there probably won’t be much of it left anyways)!