The Athenaeum

Tag: demisexual

  • Coming out: My Story

     

    Coming out is hard regardless of whether it be relates to your gender identity or sexual orientation. On February 20th 2018, I finally accepted my sexual orientation as a bisexual individual. This was the part of a multi-year process filled with confusion, pain, and also excitement.

    In grade eight, I was a happy young hockey player without a care in the world – besides a naive dream of making it to the National Hockey League. It had been a rough year, and I had been the subject of bullying and hazing among my team mates. One of the many slurs I was subjected to was “gay” and team mates often made jokes about me liking men and wanting to join them in the shower. Then one day things escalated drastically – before practice I was sexually assaulted by a team mate. It happened again on another occasion, and I went into a depressive whirlwind before I finally broke down to my parents one night. I am super thankful I had them as supports, but the event left me hurt, isolated, and confused. I did not enjoy what happened, but it opened my eyes to the possibility that some individuals liked the opposite sex, a notion that was foreign to me in the conservative town I called home.

    I arrived at Acadia in a fresh environment free from my past connections and was free to create my own story. At Acadia, I could reinvent myself, or perhaps even find out who I truly was. On one of my first days here I met a transitioning trans gender individual who I eyed suspiciously. Today I am proud to call this individual a friend and am thankful for the exposure and advocacy they have gave to the LGBTQ+ community. Soon enough, I too began to question my identity, specifically regarding whether I was sexually attracted to both men and women; or in other words, bisexual.

    The “gay” name calling greeted me at Acadia, and I was told time and time again that there was no way I could be straight because: 1) I was too nice 2) I dressed nice and did my hair and 3) I only hung out with girls. These were actual stereotypes I was met with, and I think its crazy that in 2014 (and today)  people feel the need to label others. These labels made me confused because they were all true, but I wasn’t too sure about how I felt about men. For one, I was girl crazy, and had had a girlfriend all through high school. I could admit a guy was attractive because the majority of my friends were girls, and as such I had to hear about their crushes. Sure, I was also nice, but wasn’t that how you’re supposed to be? I may have dressed nice and did my hair, but I did this for me – not anyone else. How was this even relevant? Was I really different than other guys? The internal struggle of wondering how I felt, if it was okay to be gay, and how others saw me followed me throughout first year.

    In second year, another break through occurred as I met an amazing man, friend, and mentor – who happened to be gay. This mentor taught me that not only was it okay to be gay, but it didn’t need to be confusing. He told me that figuring out your sexual identity should be about you and requires no timeline or approval from others. Your happiness alone is the most important thing, and the opinions of others do not matter. This individual took the time to listen to my stories and perspectives and was open about his experience which I found very reassuring. I was also exposed to a significant amount of gay and bi culture during this time, and I began to think that perhaps I was bi after all. I had a great relationship at the start this year, and I joked about my sexuality with this girl, but I couldn’t quite admit to her how I felt. I wish I had.

    Fast forward to the present year, and I finally began to accept who I am. I’m lucky to have many LGBTQ+ friends and their courage and strength helped inspire me and guide me. After I became single I finally was able to force myself out my comfort zone, and I am proud to say that I have accepted who I am. It hasn’t been easy as I faced judgment from some peers, was questioned on social media, and even woke to a message stating “bi isn’t something you come out as”, but this just emphasizes the importance of sharing my story and advocating for LGBTQ+ rights. I am very fortunate to have supportive family and friends. For anyone who is currently questioning either their gender or sexual identity, I promise that it will be okay, and I wish you all the best in your journey. If you take the time to figure how you feel, and are confident, and focus on you then things will fall into place. We are lucky to attend a great school with a supportive environment. I too am here for you and am always available to talk. Thank you for reading my story, and remember – love is love!

  • A Space for Aces in the Media

    A Space for Aces in the Media

    Content warning: aphobia, sexual coercion. 

     It’s no secret that representation of the LGBTQ+ in mainstream media often varies from non-existent, or inaccurate, to problematic and damaging. While it may not seem like a huge deal in comparison to the countless other injustices the community faces, representation in the media matters. Being able to see part of one’s identity in the media can help to alleviate feelings of isolation and being different. Individuals may also more easily identify and come to terms with their orientation when they see it reflected in those they admire on screen. 

    To find their identities represented, LGBTQ+ individuals will often have to leave the pop media and go to niche comics, books, and online videos. For example, in the recent revitalization of the Archie comics, fan favourite Jughead, was recently revealed to be asexual (and likely aromantic). However, even these niche areas aren’t safe from the film industry’s erasure: during the new television adaptation of the comics, Jughead is shown to no longer be adverse to romance, and the show’s creators say that he is not asexual, despite the outcry from the asexual community.  

    While one could fill many encyclopaedias on the topic of LGBTQ+ representation in the media, I’m going to be focusing on examples of asexual representation that have stood out as particularly problematic.  

     Asexuality 101 

     Asexuality is an orientation characterized by a lack of sexual attraction that, like all sexualities, exists on a spectrum. In other words, some people identify as grey-asexual and may feel sexual attraction on rare occasions, while others identify as demisexual, cupiosexual and more. Now for chapter two on asexuality: there are many ways to experience attraction. This means that someone who is asexual may be panromantic (romantically attracted to all genders), heteroromantic, homoromantic, aromantic (no romantic attraction), or any other orientation. The final lesson on asexuality is that while a lot of individuals who are asexual aren’t interested in sex, there are also many who still physically or emotionally enjoy it and have a high libido. 

    (To learn more visit the Asexual Visibility and Education Network’s website, or stop by the Peer Support Centre in the SUB.) 

     Alright, now that the basics of asexuality are covered, let’s look a bit at how asexuality is shown in mainstream media on the rare occasion it’s there at all. Often, when there are asexual characters in shows, their sexuality is dismissed, mocked, seen as a medical condition, or invalidated through consistent pressure for sex. How about we take some time now to look at some examples of these characters on screen? 

     BBC’s Sherlock 

     One of the first examples of asexuality that people often point to in the media is Sherlock Holmes of the popular BBC show Sherlock. While many fans believe that he is asexual and aromantic, Steven Moffat, a writer and producer for the show, has said that Sherlock is not asexual and that he doesn’t date so he can stay focused on his work. Moffat then goes as far as saying that it wouldn’t be fun if he were asexual because there wouldn’t be any tension. While it may not seem like a big deal, this mentality is seen throughout the film industry making it hard for those who are asexual to receive the benefits that come with seeing your orientation represented on television, which are benefits that cisgender and heteroromantic/sexual people experience daily. Besides, if the only thing that makes a character entertaining is their degree of sexual attraction, maybe it’s time to look at adding a bit more personality into the mix. 

     House M.D. 

     Another place that asexuality has come into the limelight was on the medical drama House M.D. When two patients come into the hospital for a clinic appointment, Dr. House learns that they are asexual, and quickly sets out to prove that there is a medical reason for the couple’s orientation. By the end of the episode, House finds a tumour in the husband’s brain that is suppressing his libido (libido is often separate from sexual attraction) and learns that the wife was lying about her sex drive to make her husband happy. The main issue here is that this story implies that asexuality is a medical symptom or condition that needs to be fixed, a message frequently sent to the asexual community. This reinforces the misconception that asexuality is not natural and that there is something wrong with an asexual person. This can be emotionally damaging, isolating, and for some it can make visiting misinformed medical practitioners a more nerve-wracking experience than it already is. 

     The Big Bang Theory 

     In the TV sitcom The Big Bang Theory, Sheldon Cooper is often believed to be asexual and likely aromantic, something that is regularly used as a running joke. In later seasons, however, some darker undertones begin to emerge within his relationship. Sheldon eventually finds himself in a romantic, but non-physical relationship with a fellow scientist named Amy. For a while, it was refreshing to see an asexual, and possibly aromantic character in a relationship that worked for them. Unfortunately, as the show progressed, Amy made regular sexual advances towards Sheldon, something he regularly ignored or said he was not interested in. After several seasons of consistent pressure from Amy and Sheldon’s friends for him to sleep with her, he eventually does. While they may show this relationship in a light manner, it is important to be aware that pressure to perform sexual acts, coercion, and sexual assault in an attempt to ‘fix’ the person’s asexuality are serious problems within the asexual community. Subtle messages on shows such as this add to a culture that often views sex as being something that is an obligatory part of a relationship regardless of one’s comfort zone and preferences.  

     So What? 

     All of these examples from mainstream media are part of the reason why having asexual and aromantic characters in healthy romantic, sexual, and platonic relationships are so important. It means telling those who are struggling to come to terms with their identity that they are not broken, their identities are valid, and they are worthy of healthy and supportive relationships. When television shows and individuals shrug off the importance of having asexual characters like Jughead, that’s more than just a decision to make the character more ‘interesting’. That choice has real world consequences and perpetuates the misconceptions and dangerous ideas about asexuality that are shown in the media. I for one say it’s high time that we start demanding better representation in the media, not only for asexual individuals but for all underrepresented and marginalized groups. After all, doesn’t everyone want to see themselves reflected in the hero on the screen? 

  • A Demisexual Girl in a Sexual World

    When I was in grade seven, I specifically remember thinking something was wrong with me. All my friends had crushes and drooled over whichever celebrity was popular at the time. I was at a friend’s house listening to her drone on and on about how cute so-and-so is, how she couldn’t believe what’s-his-name was dating what’s-her-face, and I felt genuinely uncomfortable. Not because I thought there was anything wrong with the topics of conversation, but because I couldn’t actively participate in them. I didn’t have crushes. I mean, I knew I was supposed to have crushes, so I made them up to appease my boy crazy friends. Then one day my friend asks why I’m so weird when I talk about boys. I shrugged it off. Then the question that changed it all: “Hayley, are you gay or something?” Good question. Was I? It would explain an awful lot. So off I went to navigate the next four years of my life struggling between what I liked, who I liked, or if I liked anyone at all.

    When I entered high school, things got a little more tough. I was forced to see couples holding hands, kissing in the hallways, and giggling about who knows what. I concluded that something really was wrong with me if I truly couldn’t find myself being attracted to anyone. Could I determine if somebody was attractive? Absolutely. Was I ever attracted to anyone myself? No, I can honestly say that I wasn’t. I tried to be, and I knew I should have been, but no matter how hard I tried I could never bring myself to feel any sort of way with any sort of person. This was fine with me. And then Sarah happened. I met Sarah in one of my classes when I was 16. She had a huge personality, and made sure the entire room knew she was there. Unexpectedly she asked me if I was in to girls, to which I said “I honestly don’t know.” Two days later she asked me to be her girlfriend, and before I even knew what I was saying the word “yes” slipped out of my mouth. Was I attracted to her? No. Did I want to be in a relationship? No. Did I want to feel normal for once in my life and see if maybe I could feel attracted to somebody? Absolutely. Sarah and I didn’t have any sort of sexual contact until we were together for at least three months. She tried multiple times, and often grew irritated with me. I couldn’t explain to her why I just wasn’t into it, because I couldn’t even explain it to myself. “Maybe you just aren’t gay” is something I heard her say many times. Then I slowly found myself becoming increasingly attracted to her, and eventually I could feel and do all kinds of things with her. But this story isn’t about Sarah. That story would take far too long and be far too painful to tell. This is the story of how I figured out my sexual identity.

    So, fast forward 2 years later when I find myself newly single and back to not being attracted to anyone. That is, until a guy I’ve known forever took an interest in me, shared his secrets with me, and eventually told me that he loved me. Again, that story is far too long and far too painful to hash out for all Wolfville to see. But my experience with him was valuable in that I could finally see a pattern in my sexual attractions, or lack thereof. I explained to a close friend of mine that I seem to only ever be attracted to people who I have established a close connection with first, and that sexual attraction was completely non-existent without that pre-requisite. She turned to me and said three words that would change the way I thought and felt about myself entirely: “so you’re demisexual?”

    I had never heard this term before, so I’m assuming many readers haven’t either. Simply put, demisexuality belongs on the spectrum between asexuality (no sexual attraction at all) and sexuality. For the most part, demisexuals do not feel sexual attraction unless a strong emotional bond is first formed. This is different for every demisexual though, as each person has a different definition of what an emotional bond is. I can count on one hand how many people I have been sexually attracted to in my life, and I can guarantee that the number won’t increase by very much. Some of my friends have legitimately pitied me (Oh no! You poor thing! You don’t have sex? Like, ever?! That’s so sad, I could never imagine!), and some have claimed that I’m faking the whole thing just to have an excuse as to why I don’t have a love life. I have also been called a prude, a bitch, stuck up, and just too damn picky since I have no interest in discussing or engaging in sex. Hooking up is not for me. Lust at first sight is not my thing. Sexual arousal and I are not well acquainted. If that’s your thing, there is nothing wrong with you. But there’s nothing wrong with me either, and I’m thrilled that I can now believe that.

     

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