Tag: beer

Last Ever Brew Review: Nine Lock ESB
This is it, eh? This is gonna be the last Jon Smith beer review for the Athenaeum. It’s been a good two years of this complete nonsense, so writing my last article is kind of bittersweet. Thanks to Andrew Haskett for being an absolute madman, and to Kody Crowell for stuff. I can’t wait to see what kind of stupid title you bastards have for me on this final article. Today I’m reviewing the Nine Lock Extra Special Bitter, because I’m very bitter but I’m also very special according to some choice relatives.
The beer pours an amber brown, like contaminated water but much tastier. On the nose there are hints of light caramel, and a mild nutty/oaky kind of scent. The mouthfeel is standard and inoffensive, with some pesky bitterness poking its head through. There is a slight unpleasant sourness to the beer but I’m sure if I was much drunker I’d mind it less, like being at the Vil or watching live folk. The taste is very nutty, with more of that caramel taste coming through and a hint of chocolate. The maltiness is strong here, giving it that characteristic English ale vibe. The body sits solidly in the nook between light and dark, like Kylo Ren or Obama. The aftertaste holds a trace of grassy hoppy bitterness, and what I imagine wood tastes like.
This beer is alright, I guess. I probably should have chosen a more flamboyant and wild beer to end off my reviews. It’s the kind of beer I’d have after a good long day at the factory when I take the tram into town and sit down with my chaps at the pub just having a laugh about the absolute rubbish Manchester United score last night. Even though I’ve never been to England, there’s something identically English about this type of beer – it awakens the blood of my extremely white ancestors. Far be it from me to ignore such a calling, so I’m off to get even more drunk (drunker?). Hope you had a good year!
Pairs well with: Fish and chips, loud parliamentary politics
April 19, 2016
Beer: Belgian Moon Belgian White
‘Twas the night before Cheaton, and all through the res, not a drunkard was cheering. Not even the prez! The tie dyes were hung round the hallway with care, in hopes that the turnt up folks soon would be there. The froshies were nestled all snug in their beds, while visions of getting laid danced in their head. The RA in their polo, and I in my cap, with my Trojans real close so I don’t get the clap. When out in the quad there were bros all a clatter, I sprang from my dorm to see which one was fatter. I went to the window, I flew like a flash. The Chipman fuccbois were all baring their ass! The moon on the cheeks of the new student bros, gave a lustre of beauty to the objects below. Etc. Etc.
Anyway, it’s Cheatmas Eve and I’m reviewing Belgian Moon Belgian White. I dunno how it pours because I’m just drinking it out of the can, so I also don’t know what the head looks like or the color of the beer, but I assume it’s alright. The mouthfeel of the beer is mild, with a tingle of carbonation and nothing too unpleasant. It’s a little sour and watery but that’s kinda what I’d expect from a macrobrew like this. The body is very light, but reminiscent of the more expensive Belgian white ales you’d find at the top of the shelf for ridiculous prices. It feels kinda like an imitation of the real thing, but I’d probably enjoy it more if it was my 6^th or 7^th beer of the night. Belgian Moon is to real Belgian beer what [Walmart version of thing] is to [thing]. The taste has the same sweet citrus hint that normal Belgian ales have but without, you know, being very good. The aftertaste reminds you that you are really just drinking a Coors with lemon juice in it.
This beer is fine. It’s not that good. I had a lot more fun writing that rhyme than I did drinking the beer, but I’m still gonna finish it because it’s cold and I paid for it. I know that this article is gonna come out after CHeaton so this is all in the past, but have a happy Saturday. May your beers run cold and your naps run short.
Summary: Not that good, but Merry Cheatmas I guess?
March 24, 2016
Beer: Boxing Rock Bottle Blonde
“Jon Smith wrote another beer review? Screw that, he probably just wrote about another Boxing Rock beer like the bleeding heart bluenoser he is” -everybody, probably
Originality is key, and I think keys are old fashioned, so here’s another Boxing Rock review. I only have so much time left living in Nova Scotia, and I figure it makes sense to just spend that time sucking the NS brewery scene’s dick. The beer today is a blonde rye ale, Bottle Blonde, which was coincidentally my nickname during my infamous Slim Shady phase in 2006.
This beer pours a cloudy, unfiltered gold with little to no head. The nose is fairly malty, with a hint of light citrus poking through. Mouthfeel is a little sour, with some strong carbonation throwing my mouth for a wild tangy spin. The taste took a little while to warm up to me, but when it finally did I was pretty satisfied with how everything was going, like a spiteful yet respectful step-son. The whole experience is permeated by a strong bitter grapefruit taste above all else. There’s a lingering grassy taste from the hoppiness, but it all falls into the citrus theme. The beer is oddly summery for a release in mid-February, and it’s making my mind all wobbly.
In my opinion, Boxing Rock is really driving the normally lackluster Nova Scotian beer selection. I’ve found that most breweries in the province (besides the Garrison/Propeller giants) stick to producing in the basement of some bar in downtown Halifax, and don’t have much in the way of distribution across the province. In contrast, you can find Boxing Rock at most liquor stores in the province, and they were only born in 2012. Consistently good quality beer (albeit sometimes a bit too hoppy) makes for a solid addition to the East Coast roster.
Conclusion: She’s right fuggin mint, b’y
February 11, 2016
Brew Review: Boxing Rock Sunken Ledge Porter
I’ll start by shooting straight; this is like my 5^th beer of the night so my senses of taste and smell are slightly impaired. Experienced beer reviewers/hipsters say this is a bad idea for writing a review, but if you have a problem with it then please take your concerns to the comment section of any Pitchfork article about Aesop Rock. The beer for today is the new Boxing Rock Sunken Ledge Porter. I saw it in the liquor store and just about lost my shit, because I love porters and I love Boxing Rock. The illegitimate love child of these two things should make for a pretty good drink.
This beer pours a dark blackish-brown with an almost nonexistent head. On the nose, I’m getting notes of cocoa, coffee, and a touch of caramel, kinda like an off-brand chocolate bar. Mouthfeel is smooth and inoffensive, and definitely passes through without any trouble. Carbonation is kind of absent, but I don’t really miss it. The overall taste strongly reminds me of the good kind of chocolate – the kind I didn’t know existed until I was a functioning adult because I spent my developing years eating Coffee Crisp. There’s a faint hint of bitterness in the aftertaste, but it’s dominated overall by beautiful chocolatey goodness. The entire experience is permeated by a very mild scent of nuttiness, like standing outside a Five Guys.
This beer is a very pleasant experience. I wouldn’t use “extreme” as an adjective to describe it, but I passively enjoyed it, and I’d definitely recommend it. As a Boxing Rock beer, the price point is a little high, but it’s worth it if you missed out on your daily Cadbury and you still need to get drunk. Now, if you’ll all excuse me, I’m gonna move on to beer review #6. Cheers.
Summary: Willy Wonka approved
January 29, 2016
Brew Review: London Porter? I hardly know ‘er!
Most of the beers I’ve been covering so far this year have been Canadian beers, but I recently found out that other cultures exist. To quell any rumors of me being a filthy canuck xenophobe, I decided to review a favorite of mine from across the pond, Fuller’s London Porter. Porters are a favorite beer style of mine, directly behind stouts, so this one means a lot to me. Fuller’s description for the porter is “rich, dark, and complex,” and while I’m neither rich nor complex, my heart is a black gaping hole in my chest so the London Porter really hits home.
This beer pours a deep dark brown with a light brown one finger head. The smell hits you with a bit of chocolate and malt, with a hint of nuttiness, much like that one uncle everybody has. The mouthfeel is inoffensive and pleasant, with a bit of a lighter body than I like on my porters. Carbonation is kinda absent. The taste is characteristic of those specialty milk chocolate bars with almonds in them. I’m detecting a hint of vanilla, which is conveniently the name of my next mixtape. The overall character of the beer is very sweet. The aftertaste is pretty much the same, with a slight bitterness and hoppiness. A fruit fly landed in my glass while I was drinking this and it made me angry. The fruit fly did not compliment the flavor.
If you’re into dark beers, I highly recommend checking this one out. However, if you’re in a love affair with shitty coolers it might not be the drink for you. It’s not my favorite porter I’ve ever had – that award goes to a chocolate porter I found in Vancouver – but it’s still one of the better beers at the Wolfville NSLC. If you happen to be British and you’re missing home, I guess this London beer will remind you of the homeland. Or you could just Skype your family like everybody else.
December 1, 2015
LaVieEnRoux’s Two Brew Reviews: From Me To You So You Get Through
The Beer: La Fin Du Monde
This beer pours a murky unfiltered orange-amber with a two finger white head that drapes down the side of the glass as you drink The nose is malty and fruity with a slight citrus note. I had a good time smelling this one. On the mouth, there’s a slight tingle of carbonation with a smooth medium feel. The top-tier 9% alcohol content is completely undetectable, which is either very good or very bad. The body of this beer is medium and sits perfectly in your mouth, like you’re spooning somebody of just the right height. This beer has the characteristic spice of a Belgian trippel, with biscuity malts and a generally fruity undertone. No hop bitterness, just pure unfiltered beauty. Aftertaste is light and kinda feels like juice. La Fin Du Monde is fucking good. It’s really damn good.
The Sex:
This beer is good for when you’re hitting your late 20’s, you’re gainfully employed living in an apartment in the city, and you’re ready to settle down. You’ve been dating this guy for like 4 months and you really think it’s going somewhere, so tonight you’re gonna have some wild yet committed tipsy intercourse after your semi-fancy dinner date. It will probably be some of the best sex you’ve ever had, and honestly, you would be kinda alright with getting pregnant from it.
The Beer: St. Ambroise Oatmeal Stout
This beer pours almost as deep black as my heart, with a brown one-finger head. The nose is ripe with heavy roasted malts and a bit of chocolate. The mouthfeel has some light carbonation and a nice heavy body, which is pretty much what you’re signing up for with a stout. The taste is fully characteristic of dark chocolate and nuts, and just screams “aphrodisiac.” The aftertaste lingers with the bitterness of that weird high percentage cocoa dark chocolate, but still subtle. St. Ambroise Oatmeal Stout is about as pleasurable as your first coffee in the morning, and kinda tastes like it too. I would go so far as to say this is one of my favorite stouts, and I’m pretty peeved that you can’t buy six-packs of it in Wolfville anymore. Still, it’s a solid, deep, sexy beer, and it honestly turns me on a bit.
The Sex:
This beer probably goes well with forbidden, mildly kinky long-time-coming sex with your ex. Like, you’re about to leave your hometown forever and you both figured you may as well give one last kick at the can. It may leave a slightly bitter taste in your mouth and it may have reawakened some dark parts of your soul, but you’ll be damned if it wasn’t pretty good.
November 19, 2015
Brew Review: Boxing Rock Crafty Jack English Ale
Last issue, I ended up writing a review for a beer from BC. I figured I had to throw all you Vancouverinos (Vancouverites? Vancouverians? Whatever.) a bone or two. However, today I’m bringing it back home and reviewing a beer from our beautiful have-not province, Nova Scotia. The beer for today is Boxing Rock’s Crafty Jack English Ale, which is brewed in Shelburne, a place that I assume has plenty of nice old people and good seafood. Boxing Rock just started selling its product in liquor stores a couple years ago and it’s already killing the local beer game. Their pale ale is one of my favorite beers of all time, but I figured I’d give one of their more unique ales a shot.
The beer pours with a one and a half finger light brown head and has a dark brown/amber colour to it. The scent has a strong malt component, with a hint of coffee and chocolate. Anything that smells like chocolate gets an A-grade in my books, and that includes people. The mouthfeel is pleasant, with little offensive alcohol taste and a lot of roasty-toasty malts giving the beer a smokey feeling. The body on the beer is medium-heavy, but it goes down smooth like a stout. Crafty Jack doesn’t have the bitterness that might be found in other English ales, making it a much easier drink. The aftertaste is deliciously complex, a phrase I sometimes wish people would use to describe me. It combines sweetness with chocolate/coffee flavours and a small hint of roasted nuts. It’s like a beer trail mix.
Boxing Rock’s Crafty Jack English Ale is a solid drink. It’s a tad expensive, sitting at about five bucks a bottle, but it’s worth it to pair with a meal or to start off a night of getting crunk. Warning to those trying to get crunk: Crafty Jack is only 4.2% alcohol so it’s a bit of a lighter fare, but I’d still gladly drink three or four of them. I’d also recommend checking out the rest of Boxing Rock’s repertoire if you can – at the risk of sounding like a granola, local stuff is pretty alright. Stay fresh, folks.

Summary: roasty-toasty with the mosty.

October 1, 2015

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